Image by xtopher1974 via Flickr
We’re Unique… Just Like Everyone Else
There’s no doubt about it now. Maggie and I are different. It seems that every day we discover yet another diversity in our relationship. If you spell everything out on paper, you’d think that there’s no way we should even be together. But I have to tell you, in our relatively short union – coming up on five years now, it’s those contrasts that actually make us strong.
We noticed the most recent anomaly when Maggie’s relatives came to visit from out of town. Where my side of the family will prefer to gather at home, Maggie’s culture favors dining out at restaurants. Since her Aunt and Uncle came all the way from Hong Kong, it was decided that the first place to go would be an authentic Chinese restaurant. Mind you, here in Toronto where there is a HUGE Asian population, finding places where real Chinese cuisine is served is simple. In fact, for every well-known North American food chain, there are probably TEN Chinese restaurants – all small, family-owned businesses serving the exact same cooking they brought over from China.
If you grew up experiencing Westernized Chinese food as I did, you are in for a culture shock when you dine at a bona fide Chinese establishment. They do NOT serve those yummy, greasy, high-cal/cholesterol deep fried chicken balls, egg rolls and pork strips with that orange dipping sauce that I remember oh-so-well from my younger days. Rather, rubbery-textured, chewy and sinewy chicken feet and pig’s knuckles are likely to be served as delicacies.
You can forget about fish fillets, too. Maggie told me that the Chinese refer to those as ‘dead fish’. Instead they want to see the entire cooked fish served on the platter. After we all took our portion of the fish meat, the kids watched in jaw-dropping awe as Gung Gung – Grandfather in Chinese (Maggie’s dad) – consumed what he called ‘the BEST parts’ which consisted of the head, including eye balls, brain, plus any other internal organ he found in the creature. The ONLY thing remaining on the plate were the bones.
Oh, don’t get me started on bones. Again, ‘boneless’ to the Chinese is synonymous with ‘processed’, and that just isn’t fresh enough! Every cut of meat, whether it’s chicken, beef or pork, is served on the bone. And that crunching sound you hear around the table? What a Westerner might discard as inedible fat, gristle and cartilage, the Chinese eat with seemingly great pleasure.
Then there’s the skin… NO, let’s not go there. OK, so as you can see, I’m not a fan of the way Chinese cut, cook and serve meat.
The veggies, rice and noodles are another story entirely. Now there’s some VERY GOOD eating!
But alas, there are also the chopsticks to contend with. While I’ve improved dramatically in the art of utilizing those slender utensils, picking up rice, long slippery veggies and even longer (no, endless) noodles is an exercise in futility for me.
So us Westerners continue to be hungry an hour after eating ‘Chinese’; and Asians continue to be petite by comparison. Now you know why. 
Maggie and I have joked about these well-known differences many times before but this is the first time I spell it out in public. I know I’ll pay later for airing these comments.
Speaking of Paying – “I GOT IT!”
Now that I’ve dispensed with the food ‘review’, it’s time to get to the real point of this post – our latest DIFFERENCE! Yeah, as usual, I turned it into a BIG DEAL.
With only minor exaggeration on my part, the after-dinner scene reminded me of an old-time Western barroom shoot-out. You see, it was time to PAY THE BILL! (cue the cartoon drama music… dun, Dun, DDDUUUNNN!!!) I watched in utter shock as everyone IN UNISON – I kid you not – reached for and pulled out their wallets. A tiny skirmish broke out, all in Chinese of course, but I could tell EXACTLY what was going on… or so I thought. (Maggie would give me a cultural lesson later).
The absolute worst part for me was to see the bill being pulled and tugged between the ‘warring factions’, with everyone claiming ownership to that tiny slip of paper as if it were a winning lottery ticket! In the end, EVERYONE around the table knew how much the entire dinner tab totaled – just over $300 BEFORE tax and tip! Po Po, Grandmother in Chinese (Maggie’s mother) ‘won’ the draw as she plunked down her cash on the collection plate. It was embarrassing for me to watch.
During ‘pillow-talk’ that night, I let Maggie know how much that experience bothered me.
Hospitality vs. Show of Power
As I mentioned up top, just our cultural differences alone might be enough to separate a lot of couples. In many cases, the old saying ‘blood is thicker than water’ really is true. When you start picking on each other’s customs, habits and idiosyncrasies you can soon find yourself running over with emotions. I was certainly ‘charged’ for our discussion on the restaurant scene.
“Whatever happened to DISCRETION?” I asked bluntly. “Couldn’t that ‘who is gonna pay’ issue have been discussed and decided BEFORE we all went out to eat so we don’t have to go through that embarrassment?”
“What embarrassment?” Maggie asked, surprised that I could be so upset. “In our culture, this is how we show APPRECIATION and HOSPITALITY! Just offering or making the effort to pay shows that you are grateful, not only for the food but for the gathering.”
Jarred in my thinking, I immediately softened. As Maggie often tells me, it isn’t the message; it’s the delivery. Being a master communicator herself, it was THE WAY Maggie spoke that opened me up to this alternate perspective.
I explained that I was taught that fighting over the bill in public was an aggressive – even arrogant – show of power. And since my personality style avoids confrontation at all costs I prefer NOT to get drawn into the ‘bid-for-the-bill’ sweepstakes. If someone say’s, “I Got It” adamantly enough, I’ll acquiesce. The drawback is, if you do this enough times, you end up looking like a cheap S.O.B. by allowing others to always pay.
For me, working out the payment details BEFORE going into a restaurant takes the pressure off the situation, averts the show-of-power and allows everyone to enjoy the entire dining experience. On the other hand as Maggie points out, it takes away the opportunity for people to show their gratitude, even if they only make an effort and don’t actually pay the bill.
I guess what makes our relationship work so well is that Maggie and I approach most of our discussions from a state of wonderment; we both love to learn about our discrepancies and how we can work with them, through them, around them, and in spite of them! In this way, every day becomes an exciting challenge filled with new discoveries. You gotta Love That Feeling!
P.S. Of course, in regards of going out to eat, there’s always the option where everyone pitches in their own share or asks for ‘separate bills’ from the server. But if we all did that, there wouldn’t be any bones left for me to pick… or would there be? I’ll let you know in an hour or so.
