Can There Be Any Debate?
- Strong
- Independent
- Self-reliant
- Resourceful
- Self-sufficient
Who would not aspire to these things? When you think of any great leader, these are the types of qualities that immediately come to mind. A person with these characteristics commands our trust and confidence. Therefore, these must be ‘good’ words, right?
How many times have you wished for these traits yourself? Were there ever occasions when you cowered instead of standing up for yourself? Do you rely on others’ opinions and advice so much that you are in a constant state of paralysis? Do you long for the days when you can stand up on your own two feet, to think and act for yourself?
Yes, we’ve all had these moments. Even the greatest men have had their share of ‘darkest hours’. In fact, that’s more than likely where they discovered and developed their best inner qualities. You, too will also find and figure out your gifts by going deep within. (Hint: that’s why your ‘dark hours’ keep recurring)
Now before you go running off on your quest for Strong, Independent, Self-reliant, Resourceful and Self-sufficient qualities, I want you to take another close look at those words. To the untrained eye, they appear to imply that you will be by yourself, all alone.
How Could You Be So Wrong?
If you think this way, as I once did (and to be completely honest, I still struggle here), then you will find these ‘good’ words turning ‘bad’ on you in a hurry. Time and again, the Universe sends me my own unique set of recurring challenges. I’ve only recently begun to recognize the ‘gifts’ wrapped up in each one.
For example, I am currently experiencing a revived health challenge. When Maggie found out I was walking nearly 2.5 miles home from chemo treatment, she took it upon herself to get out of work early to drive me home. Instead of being allowing and gracious, I gritted my teeth, resenting her treating me like a child. Plus I felt like such a burden, making her leave work early.
My girls try to help by making my lunch. Instead of being allowing and gracious, I bark and growl, telling them I prefer to make things myself in my own way. After all, I’m Strong, Independent, Self-reliant, Resourceful and Self-sufficient. They need ME. I don’t NEED them! Right?
Can there be any worse attitude than that? Yet, how many of you can relate? Now think of your own ‘dark hours’. Look really deep inside and I’ll bet you find that there’s someone or something knocking to come in. Will you open the door?
You see, Strong, Independent, Self-reliant, Resourceful and Self-sufficient people realize that they are ONE with the Universe. They allow gifts to pass through themselves from others. This is really the only way you can have it all. You will know when people truly have these magnificent qualities because they are grateful.
Surely You Can’t Find Fault With THESE Words
- Sharing
- Giving
- Serving
- Patient
- Generous
Matthew 23:11 says, “The greatest among you will be your servant.”
Who will argue against this ancient wisdom? In fact, I pretty much concluded above that the truly strong leaders allow the gifts of the Universe to freely flow through themselves. They serve, therefore they are entrusted with more to serve.
So how is it even possible that these ‘good’ words could possibly go ‘bad’? You’ll learn this in the next three illustrations.
Servant or Slave?
Maggie and I were out for a walk recently when we came across the parents of one of my former students. I hadn’t seen them since their daughter got married five years ago, so there was a lot of catching up to do. During our chat, the mother told us that she was retired from her work. However, now she had another job as a ‘servant’, looking after her daughter’s kids during the day. She even used the word slave at one point.
After our visit, Maggie and I shared our observations about the mother and her comments. We agreed that while a lot of grandparents will use such terms in a joking and loving manner, there seemed to be an underlying tone that this person felt unappreciated. She implied a sense of duty; that she was giving up her retirement freedom to fulfill an obligation.
True service comes from the heart, not from the mouth.
Corinthians 9:7 says, “Each must do as already determined, without sadness or compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”
You Can’t Outgive the Giver
Years ago, I had a student with whom I developed a special bond. Her dad didn’t live with her and her mom so I became an important male figure in her life. When it came to gift-giving, the mom was always very generous to me. The problem was, whenever I sent a thank-you note, I would get another equally impressive gift thanking ME for the thank-you note. I found this to be rather awkward and embarrassing. To me, it smacked of one-upmanship, rather than true giving.
On my student’s birthday, I bought her “The Ultimate Bible Reference Library”, an amazing CD-Rom containing many different versions of the Bible as well as other valuable reference books. I KNEW my student would love this as she was a devout Christian. As the girl was opening her gift, I commented that I liked it so much, I was going right back to the store to get my own copy. The mom took the gift and handed it back to me saying, “Don’t bother. Take THIS one. I’ll get her another copy.”
To say that I was stunned would be a major understatement. The mom insisted; I took the gift back and still use it to this day as you can see from my use of Bible quotes throughout this article. As for the rest of the story, the mom never did get the girl another copy, citing something about using a ‘real’ Bible versus a computer version.
Some givers don’t know how to allow others the privilege and joy of giving. When they do receive something, rather than simply giving appreciation they give another material object or service as if it’s some sort of store receipt. A true giver will give others the opportunity to give.
Service and the Double Standard
Maggie was brought up in a culture of service. One of the things she taught me is that “No” doesn’t necessarily mean “No”. Rather, it’s her culture’s formal way of saying, “If it’s not too much trouble…” If someone says “No” to your offer of assistance, you either ask again or you just do it anyway. The person will truly appreciate it and everyone saves face.
Contrast this with my own upbringing where “No” definitely means “No”. You only need to be told once. If you choose to do it anyway, you are NOT appreciated. You are disrespectful.
This summer I had a chance to test out Maggie’s cultural lesson. I drove her parents to a medical appointment where her dad had a colonoscopy. All the way home, he snored peacefully, clearly still affected by the sedation. As we pulled up to their condo complex, Maggie’s mom was already thanking me profusely. While I felt that she was truly appreciative of the time I took to drive her and dad back and forth to the doctor, I also sensed that she didn’t want to be a further burden to me. She was looking for a quick exit.
Once past the security gate, Maggie’s mom directed me as to where to drop her and dad off. In her extremely limited English she was telling me, “Go here… it’s OK”. Well I KNEW it WASN’T OK. Maggie’s dad was barely conscious. Surely he would need assistance going upstairs. I began to pull into a parking spot. From the back seat came an agitated and emphatic voice, “GO… HERE!”
My brain froze. Maggie’s dad needed help. But how could I disrespect her mother? I followed my own natural training and dutifully pulled to the curb exactly as I was told. I did assist mom and dad getting out of the car. Immediately, I was told to “GO“!
I apologized to Maggie when I got home. I knew in my heart that I didn’t do the right thing by leaving two elderly people to fend for themselves. To be sure, at age 67 Maggie’s mom is still capable and competent enough to look after her husband. And she certainly had no problem handling ME!
The point of this story again is that servant-types often work a double standard. They don’t realize that there are times to serve, while other times they will be served. The words Sharing, Giving, Serving, Patient, and Generous become ‘bad’ when a person hoards all these ‘treasures’ for herself.
Magic Happens When You Combine the Two Lists
When Maggie and I met, I brought the first list of words into our relationship. Maggie is the epitome of the second list. As you might expect, we’ve experienced our share of bumps and bruises as our ideologies clashed. However, as time goes on we are discovering that we find in each other exactly what we have been seeking all our lives. Our relationship is as good as it is and improving every day because we work so hard at understanding each other.
In the Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi we read,
“Grant that I may not so much seek
To be understood . . . as to understand”
Do your ‘good’ words go ‘bad’ sometimes? When they do, the gift is in the understanding. As Maggie and I are experiencing, when you seek first to understand, everything else comes easily. You gotta Love That Feeling!
Russ, Maggie, you are great together and it’s clear to see that you compliment each other well. Your story illustrates wonderfully that taking any definition to the extreme leads to problems. No man is an island, after all, even self-reliant, independent ones.
I was stunned that you thought self-reliant, independent implied alone-ness. You see, I believe that we gain our strength from the way we interact with others and sometimes from the people we love. I’m strong because family IS my strength, God is my strength. My strength is not from myself alone. I’m self-reliant because I could toss fear outside and accept the love of my family, of God.
The truth is, without each other, we couldn’t be who we are.
That goes for friends, too
Your stories beautifully illustrate why it’s important to expand who we think we are. Since other people seldom see the world the same way we do, our “correct” behaviors can seem maddeningly incorrect to the next person.
In my counseling, I often see people who cannot give and others who find it equally impossible to receive. Getting either of these types to loosen up and be more flexible often takes some very creative reframing. It IS possible, but it requires keeping after it, not giving up. (As well as some very persuasive, creative language.) Of course this difficulty with change is true of almost anyone who’s trying to adjust one of their personality traits. So if we’re running into rigid places within ourselves, it’s no disgrace. It just means we’ve reached a learning opportunity.