What? My Kid… a Juvenile Delinquent?

• Tweet
• Sharebar

• Tweet

My Kid Ain’t Perfect

In the 1950′s there was Charlie Brown, “Why’s everybody always pickin’ on me?”

In the 60′s we had Alvin… ALVIN… AAAALLLLVVVVIIIINNNN!

And now, since 2003 we’ve got Ambrosia, an amalgamation of Alvin and Charlie.  In one moment she’ll be pressing hard on your reactor buttons; in the next, she’ll be wondering why everyone is always picking on her.

I’ll be the first one to admit, my kid ain’t perfect.  I’m definitely not a ‘Not-My-Kid’ kind of parent.  I know all too well that Ambrosia’s behavior can fire up your emotions faster and hotter than a torch tossed into a tank of Texas Tea.  What makes it especially difficult for me is that there is a 50 year age difference between us.  That’s right, she’s 6 to my 56, pushing me well into ‘Grandpa’ territory.

Side Bar: I once came across an explanation for why grandparents seem so happy with their grandchildren… it’s because the old folks know that at the end of the day, the little @#$% are going home!

Well, even though I’m Grandpa’s age, I AM ‘dad’ to little Ambrosia.  And while I’m slowly figuring out how to manage my own explosive reactions, I find that more and more I’m busy putting out other people’s fires.  In particular, this year the message from her school teacher is, “Ambrosia is a ‘problem’.  I feel it’s coming from her home.  DEAL WITH IT!”

Annoying vs. Juvenile Delinquent

Early in the school year, I attended the first parent/teacher interview.  This was supposed to be a one-on-one meeting between the parents and the classroom teacher, with the best interest of the child first and foremost in mind.  Maggie was taking courses and couldn’t go with me.  As it turned out, it was two teachers – the classroom teacher as well as the French teacher – giving ME an earful.  Basically what they told me is that if I didn’t straighten out my kid, she would surely be a juvenile delinquent by the time she got to high school!

Now Ambrosia’s behavior is a lot of things that can be deemed ‘annoying’ because they are constant and continuous.  I swear, this little girl could wear down the Grand Canyon… if you let her.  And therein lies the secret.

I acknowledged and agreed with all the things the two teachers rattled off:

• Ambrosia is a non-stop chatterbox – Check   (And if she isn’t talking, she’s humming.  OMG, she NEVER shuts up!  It’s nothing for her to stop and ‘chat’ in class with a friend for a while on her way to her seat.)
• Ambrosia is extremely manipulative – Check   (She’s cute and very charming, and she uses those two characteristics to the hilt.  Maggie claims it’s a self-preservation tactic.  But if cute and charming aren’t working well today, there’s always the tears.  By hook or by crook, Ambrosia usually can figure out a way to get what she wants.)
• Ambrosia is a brilliant strategist – Check  (Closely related to manipulative, she has already mastered basic negotiation skills.  For example, last week while doing groceries she announced, “Russy, today I get to pick FIVE things.”  Usually, I allow her to pick one item – and that’s ONLY if she is on her best behavior.  Well, she was NOT on her best behavior… but that didn’t stop her from asking anyway.  AND, you’ll notice she set her starting price high, giving her room for a drop-down sale if necessary.  After all, two or three choices are still better than nothing!  Well, apparently her teacher doesn’t like the fact that Ambrosia tries to wheel ‘n deal EVERYTHING, from assignments to discipline.)
• Ambrosia is SLOW – Check   (This is surprising to many people.  For an otherwise highly energetic child, she is extremely slow to eat; extremely slow to put on and take off her clothes – think snowpants, hat, scarf, gloves, jacket, boots; extremely slow to switch activities; Ambrosia must be told repeatedly, over and over AND OVER AGAIN, even though the class is following the same routine, day in and day out for the past six months, etc.)

Side Bar: It isn’t the mountain ahead that wears you out; it’s the grain of sand in your shoe.

So far, have you seen anything that could possibly lead my little one to Juvenile Hall one day?  Maggie and I don’t see anything either!

“Well, what about Ambrosia breaking school rules, Russy?” I hear you ask.

Glad you brought that up.

Let’s see, there was:

• Sliding on the ice behind the school portable.  (apparently, that area is off limits not only because of the ice, but because it is out of view from the schoolyard monitors)
• ‘Acting like a baby’ according to her teacher.  No other clarification was given.  (Ambrosia says she was yelling at her classmate out in the schoolyard.  When she didn’t stop yelling, the monitor chose to put Ambrosia in the ‘Kindie Cage’, a section of the schoolyard reserved for the Kindergarten kids.  Ambrosia was publicly humiliated in front of her friends.)
• Plus a whole bunch of little things, mostly due to lack of attention and/or following instructions IMMEDIATELY when told.  (According to her teacher, Ambrosia is considerably behind normal and acceptable development in this area.  The rest of the class seems to follow routine and instructions where Ambrosia still does her own thing.  Her teacher calls these, “Poor choices”.)

All to which Maggie and I reply, “Where’s the GUN?  Where’s the BURNING DOWN THE SCHOOL?  Where’s the PROFANITY… the IN-YOUR-FACE DEFIANCE?  Yes, the things Ambrosia does can be annoying.  And over a cumulative period of time, she can definitely wear a person down to the point of insanity… if that person allows it!”

What Maggie and I want to know is when Ambrosia makes a “poor choice”, what is the immediate strategy?  Is the situation treated as a learning opportunity or is punishment meted out as a reaction to the perceived nuisance.  (Hey, I’m NOT going to throw the first stone.  I’m guilty of this, too!  What I’m suggesting though is that OVER TIME, what is the evolving pattern?  You KNOW the kid is going to act up.  Is your usual reaction more towards ‘teaching’ or is it stuck in ‘punitive’ mode?)

Ambrosia is six years old, for Chrisake!  Don’t tell me this is the first and/or only six year old you have ever seen who exhibits ‘annoying’ behavior.

Heck, I know what she’s like.  Ambrosia could EASILY wear out old Grandpa-aged Russy… hands-down EASILY!  Except I don’t allow it!  And neither does Maggie.

Build a Better Mousetrap

The old saying is that if you build a better mousetrap, someone will soon figure a way out of it.  Maggie and I are no different than any other parent.  While we have set routines in place, we still have to be there to guide our girls through the ropes.  It’s @#$% TIRING to be a parent, saying the same things over and over again, day in and day out; no question about it.

Maggie and I try to keep up to speed by reading and discussing articles in references like ‘Today’s Parent’.  We are constantly experimenting with different strategies in order to get the best response from our kids.  I have to admit that many, if not most of the things we try, fail.  Oh, sure the tactics get what seem like favorable results in the short term… but at what cost over the long haul?  For example, the ‘Kindie Cage’ certainly got Ambrosia to stop acting like a baby in that moment.  However, the taunting and teasing she endured over the next couple of days also scratched and dented her fragile six-year-old self-esteem.  Maggie and I talk about every disciplinary action we employ at home; its effectiveness on the behavior and especially the long-term effect on the child!

If You Can’t Get In the Front Door…

We are also well aware that every child has their own unique learning strategy and preference.  In every class, the majority of students will be visual learners.  They take in information primarily through their eyes.  The next largest group will be the audio learners who more easily take in information through what they hear.  The last, and smallest group, is the kinesthetic or tactile learner.  Interestingly enough, these children are characterized by the following:

• Can’t sit still; fidgety.
• Prefers having some kind of ‘sound’ going on at all times; will talk or hum to self if surroundings are too quiet.
• Likes adventure books, movies.
• Likes role playing.
• Takes breaks (translate: easily distracted) when studying.
• Loves crafts, hands-on activities.
• Loves to move; to dance.

And right next to that definition, you can put a picture of Ambrosia, because that pretty well sums up her personality.  Unfortunately for tactile learners, if the teacher is a ‘strictly-by-the-rules’ type, these kids are often targeted as ‘shit-disturbers’.  They disrupt the teacher’s perfect world which is set up to cater to the more compliant visuals and audios.  And because there are so few tactiles, they are very easy for the teacher to single out.

News Flash… Not Everyone Loves You!

It’s commonly called ‘Personality Clash’ and sadly, it exists.  I know this feeling all too well.  There are some people I just don’t like.  Sorry!

Come on… admit it.  There are those kinds of people in your life, too.  They rub you the wrong way! Just thinking about them stirs up a myriad of toxic emotions ranging from mild anxiety to outright hatred.  Some people stew for hours, days and longer in their poisonous thoughts.  It’s one of the most insidious ways we make ourselves sick!

The easy answer is to avoid incongruent people as much as possible.  However, more often than not, that’s simply not possible.  You can’t hide from family members, co-workers, students, clients, etc. forever!  And when you don’t like someone, it seems like the only thing you can see about them are their flaws; the minutia that annoys the @#$% out of you.

Quite possibly, that is what is going on between Ambrosia and her teacher.  It ain’t pretty!  It certainly isn’t professional.  But, scary as it sounds, it IS very possible.  In fact, it happens all the time.  A teacher has it in for some kid and that’s it… the school year can de-escalate into hell for everyone concerned, usually with the kid being labeled as the cause; the ‘trouble-maker’.

Digging a Little Deeper

There is always a reason, or more often multiple reasons why people do things.  Ambrosia is no different than you, I or anyone else in that regard.  For a six-year-old, she has already experienced some of life’s harsher realities.  Because she is an extremely sensitive, loving and caring kid, she harbors these ordeals deep in her heart.

While young children can be quite vocal and expressive, they still lack the skills to articulate their exact feelings.  They certainly can’t tell you WHY they feel the way they do.  Sometimes, the only way adults know if something is bothering their child is when he or she acts out, as they eventually will.

Ambrosia’s attention-seeking behavior may come from her feelings of separation anxiety.  There are three main events – one past, one current and one potential in the very near future – which could have a profound effect on Ambrosia’s life and thus her behavior.

Two years ago when she entered Kindergarten, Ambrosia no longer needed her babysitter.  ‘Mommy Ruth’ as Ambrosia calls her, is a terrific, loving babysitter.  She made Ambrosia feel so special – almost like an only child – even though she was looking after another little girl a year younger than Ambrosia at the time.  Ambrosia still loves Mommy Ruth dearly and visits her for a couple of hours every 3-4 weeks.

Because of the extremely close bond, Ambrosia took the news of, ‘No more Mommy Ruth’ very hard.  Even now, when she goes to visit, she sees that Mommy Ruth has other children to take care of.  While Mommy Ruth is still as terrific and loving as always, Ambrosia knows  that she isn’t the ‘only one’ anymore.

Ambrosia’s natural father is the current big issue.  He has never been committed to his access visits with his daughter, often cancelling at the last minute.  Ambrosia hasn’t seen her dad since well before Christmas.  And now that he is remarried and moved about an hour outside of Toronto, it’s unlikely that she will see him anytime soon.  In fact, Maggie and I are expecting some kind of ‘cut-off’ notice shortly.

In a way, this is a good thing.  On the few occasions where Ambrosia did stay with her dad for the weekend, she would always come home with stories about verbal abuse between her dad and his partner.  Her dad didn’t even pick her up or drop her off for the access visits as ordered by the court.  Instead, he appointed his partner’s brother to provide the ‘taxi’ service.  That’s how detached Ambrosia’s dad is.

And yet, Ambrosia still loves her daddy and his partner (now wife).  With her heart of gold, Ambrosia chooses to see only the good in people, even if they get ‘scary’ sometimes.  Maggie and I have no doubt that this unresolved issue is playing heavily somewhere in Ambrosia’s mind and heart.

As for the future, Ambrosia knows that her older half-sister Suvin will be moving away this summer to live with her dad as she starts high school.  It is a well-documented fact that when an older sibling moves away to college or moves out for any other reason, the younger child feels it the most.  Already, Maggie and I can see that this is going to be HUGE!  While there is absolutely NOTHING that can replace a close family member, we are discussing possible ways to lessen the impact such as getting a pet for Ambrosia.

Also, Ambrosia is quite aware of my health situation.  She knows I will be in the hospital for a long time (6-8 weeks) with a bone marrow transplant coming up within the next few months.  Maggie and I have already primed her on the possibility that I might even die.

I work at home so I’m there for the girls 24/7.  I have breakfast with them in the morning and see them off to school.  I’m there when they come home.  I work one-on-one with Ambrosia, practicing piano, doing homework, reading, watching TV or just hanging together with her while Maggie is at her office job.  Needless to say, Ambrosia and I have a very tight bond.

Yet, I’m another key person who could come and go from her young life.

These have to have an effect!  How else could she possibly get and KEEP someone’s love and attention but to act out?

What Now, My Love?

One of the common questions I get whenever I describe Ambrosia to people who don’t get to see her regularly in person is, “Have you had her tested for ADHD”?

The quick answer is, “No.”

The quicker reason is that Maggie and I believe she is a normal six-year-old kid with a different learning style (see tactile learner in this article) than most of her classmates.  While we have received many notes about ‘problem behavior’ and ‘poor choices’ at school, not one message has even hinted at testing for ADHD.  While she certainly is very lively and energetic, she isn’t bouncing-off-the-wall-hyper.  She simply has a very strong personality and will, which if properly guided, can be a very good thing.

Are we in denial?  Perhaps.  That’s why we consented to have Ambrosia meet with the school psychologist for a behavior assessment.

One of our greatest concerns is that Ambrosia may get ‘labeled’ with a certain reputation as a ‘handful… a problem child’.  She’s in grade one in an eight-grade school… there’s still a LONG way for her to go.  Maggie and I have requested a meeting together with BOTH Ambrosia’s classroom teacher as well as the school principal.  We hope to discuss recurring incidents and help formulate some solid strategies that we can implement at home as well as at school so that Ambrosia will have some consistency.

I want to thank my family and friends, some of whom are school teachers for their comments, suggestions, support and encouragement.  I can’t tell you all how much Maggie and I Love That Feeling!

You May Also Be Interested In...

• Not In Our Family