The Way Things AWT (Aught) to Be
I’m writing this post today because I need it. Not that I need to know more about this subject matter; in fact, I pride myself on being somewhat of an ‘expert’ on this topic. I can tell other people all day long about what they aught to be doing if they want to see improvements in their lives. I’m very good at that part.
I need it because I have to admit (sheepishly – OK, sometimes even hypocritically) that I don’t always LIVE it. I need to PRACTICE more of what I preach. My thinking is if I expose my human frailties honestly, you – my faithful and loving readers – will hold me to a higher standard.
Since I was in my early teens, one of my gifts was my ability to break complicated things down and explain them to others in a such a simple and entertaining way that not only did they understand the lesson, but they were able to retain it and therefore use it for the rest of their lives.
Of course, this natural talent has served me extremely well in my 37+ year teaching career. It is tremendously gratifying to run into former students and/or their parents and to be thanked profusely for the many life lessons and wisdom I’ve shared with them. I see the positive impact I’ve made on other people’s lives and I take my work as a very serious responsibility.
Going back to my early teens, a comment I frequently heard is that I would make a great dad. In addition to my gift of being able to simplify complicated things, other people perceived me as being incredibly patient and tolerant when I delivered explanations. I was destined to become a great teacher… AND a great dad!
This only makes sense, right? After all, who aught to be the primary teachers in children lives? Parents, of course.
However, while I officially launched my teaching career at the tender age of 18, parenthood was to be delayed until age 52. I have to tell you, there is a TREMENDOUS DIFFERENCE between teaching a child for 30 minutes a week and having your own children 24/7. (I can hear all you parents out there saying, “NO… DUH!!!”)
Isn’t it funny that many child rearing ‘experts’ never seem to have any children of their own? Yes, they work with children all day, but when they go home they are free from the daily ‘challenges’ that comprise family life. Well, that was me for over 30 years! I could talk it all day, but now I’m finding it’s a much different story to have to live it.
Introducing AWT
One of the comments I frequently receive is that my students LOVE to come to lessons, but they HATE to practice at home. I find that I am spending more and more time working with the parents, counseling them on how they AWT (pronounced aught) to think about themselves, family, friends, co-workers… well, heck – EVERYONE and EVERYTHING… but for my specific application, especially with their kids.
AWT is an acronym for:
ABOUT, WITH and TO
As in how do you feel ABOUT your kids?
How do you interact WITH your kids?
How do you talk TO your kids?
Years ago I instated a rule in my music school that if a parent started ranting and raving about how lazy or incompetent his/her kid is, that parent had to come up with nine other GOOD things for each item on the ‘dirty laundry’ list.
This significantly cut down on all the criticizing, carping and complaining, thus keeping the vibes in my school positive and encouraging.
People watching is a fascinating study, isn’t it? I notice when some of the parents start talking, their kids immediately LEAVE the room. The parent usually has something about the child that needs ‘fixing’. The parent’s words are harsh, the tone of voice is tense and there is no smile.
Do I have to tell you what kind of student this produces? Read my post, “Can You Love Who I Am?” for an extremely sad example.
For sure, I have other students who as soon as their parents start talking, they go over and stand beside mom and/or dad and hug them.
Want to guess what THESE parents talk about? It’s almost like being at a love-fest or a bragging contest.
- “She’s doing so well in school. We’re so proud of her.”
- “We’re looking forward to our trip to Disneyworld. We’re going to have so much fun together.”
- “All our relatives really loved the way he played that song at the party last weekend. They were all asking who is the teacher!”
Can you feel the difference in these two different scenarios? I certainly can!
And yet…
How quickly I forget when facing my own ‘challenges’ with my two step-daughters.
Let’s take another look at that acronym AWT and see how I have been applying it and where I can make some changes for improvement in my own family. Of course, your ‘challenges’ and situations will vary but the process is the same. I hope you’ll follow along and actually test this process out for yourself, getting the maximum value out of this exercise.
You’ll recall that A = About; W = With; T = To… AWT. Here are some questions I can ask myself:
“How do I feel ABOUT my girls MOST of the time?”
Because I’m a time-freak, I usually feel uptight that they are either slow and/or late. I often feel annoyed that their loud, boisterous chatter and singing disturbs my focus and concentration when I’m trying to work or watch a movie.
“How do I interact WITH my girls MOST of the time?”
I do a lot of work at home – writing and managing my blog, studying and implementing internet marketing strategies, etc. – so I require a lot of quiet time for concentration. While I do spend good quality time with both of my girls I still find that MOST of the time I seem to be sheep-herding them into their own activities, essentially pushing them away and telling them to quietly leave me alone so I can do my work.
“How do I talk TO my girls MOST of the time?”
Like many families, we have routines in place so that everything runs as smoothly as possible, not to mention on time. (just had to put that in – I really AM a time-freak.) So when I talk TO my girls, I find myself constantly pushing and prodding them, reminding them to stay focused and on routine. As every parent knows, it’s that “constantly” part that eventually wears you down, grinding the most smoothly running family mechanism to a halt.
Did you notice the common theme? In each case, my focus tends to be on what needs ‘fixing’: too slow, too late, too loud and boisterous, too intrusive… sound familiar?
And as my beautiful counselor wife asks me every day, “How does that feel?”
Well, DUH?
Seriously, it doesn’t have to be a big crisis that brings a family down. Often it’s that constant chipping away that eventually becomes A HABIT, because you certainly get enough opportunities to practice being with your loved ones 24/7/365. Am I right, parents?
Remember, This Is a Process
I’ve just completed step one, assessing what already is happening so I can make adjustments and alterations.
Part two is to spell out how I think I AWT to behave. Again, you’ll have to apply this process to your own circumstances.
One of the biggest things I can do is to make sure I include time every day for both work AND play. My little one and I are home together all morning as she attends senior kindergarten only half days in the afternoon. I have to say that as she grows older, she is so much better at playing quietly by herself in her room. However, we still need to connect at least every hour, either for a quick snack or just a word and a hug.
With my older step-daughter, she enjoys hanging out with Maggie and I at the end of the day, either watching a comedy show or just chatting. With our house priorities emphasizing homework first, we don’t always get our hang-time. Maggie and I have observed that it usually manifests in some unwanted behavior, so this is an area that requires continuous attention and monitoring.
Another area I can easily work on is name-calling. As you saw in the video clip above, I often use the name “Tommy the Turtle” when prodding my girls to move faster. As my little one reminds me, name calling – even with the best and most playful intentions – is more often hurtful. Neither of the girls likes it. “Do Unto Others… yup, especially to your kids!”
Part three of the AWT process is NIKE… take a look at the adjustments and recommendations for improvement that you wrote out in part two and Just Do It!
Well, I hope you find the AWT method helpful. To quickly recap:
- See what’s happening now and assess it as good or needs improvement.
- Rewrite the areas that need improvement to create your perfect scenario.
- Nike… Just Do It! Implement, to the best of your abilities, all the things you wrote in part two.
Again, it’s a process – in fact, one that will never end. It’s the proverbial ‘life journey’ where once you get ‘there’ you’ll be anxious to move on to another destination. Enjoy!
Until the next time, no matter what your emotions, Love That Feeling!
