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It’s A Thankless Job (but somebody has to do it)
“Hi, my name is Russ and I lack appreciation.”
Let the ‘AA’ (Appreciators Anonymous) meeting begin. It’s not like I’m coming out of the closet with anything new here. Admittedly, I don’t hide it well. Up until now, I have truly been appreciation challenged.
Take all those vacation gift-shop knickknacks and key chains, cutesy stuffed animals, flowers, even expensive decorative silver and crystal… PLEASE. Useless clutter ALL! To me, the epitome of thought-LESS-ness is giving something that a person either doesn’t like or won’t use.
And the endless drawings from my little one; recycle bin food!
“No Russy, don’t talk like that!” I hear you pleading.
It’s true. My appaling absence of appreciation was so bad that I was about to get kicked out of my local AA meeting for being incorrigibly too damned ungrateful. I was immediately admitted to the highest of all the ‘A’ movements: AAAA – Advised to Attend Attitude Assessment!
Would A Real Friend Do This?
I’ve known you for a long time. I’m very much aware of what you like. Human nature being what it is, I’m even more keenly cognizant of what you DON’T like. Not that you’re a complainer. All I’m saying is that it’s a common fallibility for people to be more open (OK, brutally honest) with those closest to them.
That being said, wouldn’t it be more thoughtful of me to find something YOU like as my gift to you? As an example, I’m an avid sports fan. Personally, I would LOVE to receive a video set of the ’92 and ’93 World Series. For me, this would be the perfect present. I think EVERYONE would be thrilled with this, don’t you?
Well, I KNOW for a fact that Maggie couldn’t care less about getting this – or ANY sports-themed souvenir for that matter – even if I DID wrap it in her favorite color paper. Not only would this be thoughtless of me to offer her this token, it would be downright rude. Maggie wouldn’t watch my favorite sports video on her own with any interest… she wouldn’t watch it – PERIOD!
If It’s Really The Thought That Counts…
…then for goodness sake, put at least a MINIMUM amount of thought into it! As a private music teacher for the past 38 years, I get gifts all the time ranging from students returning with trinkets from their vacation, traditional holiday gifts as well as farewell presents. While it can’t be denied that the heart-felt intentions are there, I would hope that a student/teacher relationship would show a bit more familiarity with preferences. Nothing is more complimentary than saying, “I think I know you well enough to deliver something you will like and use.”
By contrast, Maggie tells me that it is a tradition in her culture to give gifts of perceived highest value – regardless of whether the recipient will like it or use it. That explains why I’ve received Swarovski Crystal Figurines from some of my Asian students. Starting at $75 and rocketing upward, I think these make exorbitantly expensive dust collectors!
To me, this is no different than if I gave Maggie that set of sports videos – something I highly treasure. With just a bit of effort – perhaps a phone call or email to a family member or mutual friend, it would be so easy to find out what a person likes.
You Don’t Know Me
But what if you don’t know the person that well – or even at all. For example, you want to show appreciation to a stranger for a kind word or deed. Again, everybody knows somebody, so if you absolutely MUST go beyond a smile and a heart-felt ‘Thank-you’ card, then why not go all the way! Do your research and find out who this person is and what he or she likes – and doesn’t like! Imagine how that individual will feel when you deliver something they actually like and will use. Talk about a show of appreciation!
The Controversy Continues
Maggie and I agree to disagree on the answer to this question – is it the thought or the actual gift that matters? She tells me that it is more the thought and intention, and not so much the physical gift itself. That is merely symbolic. She goes on to say that I should be more open and allowing for people to give in the way THEY feel is appropriate; that I should practice gratitude NO MATTER WHAT!
I’ll concede on that point. My work on this planet isn’t complete until I get a grip on gratitude. That’s why I’m enrolling in AAAA! 
Still, I contend that it really should be BOTH. First of all, giving out of obligation – “You did something for me; here’s something for you” – isn’t a gift at all. That’s a receipt! Where is the sincere intention there?
And giving something that YOU perceive as high value without considering the likes and dislikes of the recipient isn’t thoughtful at all, in my humble opinion.
Care to Share?
I know this is a controversial issue. I also know that I can come across as an arrogant, hard-ass sometimes. So here’s your chance to take me to task.
“It’s the thought that counts!” Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think by adding your comments below!
Discussion, debate and diversity makes the world go round. You gotta Love That Feeling!
Hi Russ,
I enjoyed this article because it addresses two viewpoints of the same issue. You are positively a creative essayist too Russ. My daughter once received something from her father, and it meant a lot to him to give it to her. The present was useful, and in his perception, something she needed. To a twelve-year old girl, the gift seemed to insult, as it reflected in her mind that he did not know or understand her.
The gift was a beautiful Bible. To a twelve year old this present may have gone unappreciated, or even to someone who is non-religious. In the Bible, it informs us to be generous in our giving. I am paraphrasing, of course. However, it insinuates to receive with a generous heart.
Is it the thought that counts? Alternatively, is it the receiver’s heart that matters the most?
I am going to put my two cents in. For years I bought gifts, for family, friends, etc. I always know what to get for the significant other. That is usually pretty easy, when you live with the person for several years. For the rest of the recipients, I got what I thought they would like. I always put great effort into gift giving, right down to the perfect card. Nothing feels worse than the look on someone’s face, when they open your gift, and you don’t quite hit the mark. I used to be a Maggie, I do understand and can appreciate your side also Russ. I myself, now give Visa gift cards or cash. While some people may view this as thoughtless, I know my gifts are not collecting dust. I put all my effort into the cards that go with the gift. I have yet to get one frown, or sigh over my way of gifting.
I side with Maggie!!!!! As a teacher I get those gifts too…but my favorite is still (and will always be!!) the handmade ornaments for christmas! I can’t tell you how many I have on my tree-yet I know who each one is from! MAGGIE, MAGGIE, MAGGIE!!!
Now you fully understand what Christ meant when he said it is better to give than to receive….cause the recipient often gets weird and stupid gifts, LOL However, having said this I believe it is necessary as a person upon whom a gift has been inflicted, to be appreciative. If it’s a dust collector, sell it on ebay later or donate it. But you still need to be grateful that the person tried. Some of us can’t afford to give money or gift cards and some of us give home-made gifts. As to teacher gifts—they usually range from the tacky to the useless. We always gave teachers gift certificates to teacher stores, Chinese restaurant or something edible that was home made. ..consumables usually don’t gather dust. (Have given teacher gifts in the past that consisted of home made canned spaghetti sauce, a packet of gourmet pasta, a packet of gourmet grated cheese accompanied by home made packet of salad dressing mix, a jar of marinated mushrooms and garlic bread mix….basically dinner in a little basket. Katy would write a little something about what she liked about the class, etc…teachers always seemed enthusiastic about these kinds of things.) I’m on the side of Maggie here, Russ. But as the recipient of some really awful gifts from members of my own family, I can totally relate to yours. (I’ve had family members send me wine for example, when they KNOW I’m allergic to grapes…)