Something to Cheer About -

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You Say Yes, I Say No

My wife was upset with me last night. Very upset. As usual, the main thing was that we had a difference in perceptions.

I’m a work-at-home step-dad. After a busy day taking care of a multitude of family duties and issues including grocery shopping, making dinner, seeing the girls through their after-school routines, I was trying to catch up on a few of my own tasks after dinner. In the meantime, my wife Maggie came home from her office job, several sections of newspaper tucked under her arm. She often brings home articles that she thinks I might find interesting.

“Lack of appreciation,” is the term she used when I didn’t show the required level of excitement in her topics-du-jour.

OK, so I didn’t set the parameters properly by saying, “You know, Gorgeous – I’ve had a busy day doing things around the house… I really need to get some of my own work done. I promise we’ll have time together at 9:00.”

Nope, I wasn’t smart enough to say that. I didn’t think I had to. After all, wasn’t it OBVIOUS I was busy? Well, wasn’t it?!

So off we went.

Maggie perceived that I didn’t appreciate her. I perceived that she was bothering me when I was obviously busy.

Now it’s not enough that our perceptions were different. Our reaction styles are also polar extremes. Maggie wanted to go toe-to-toe and give me an earful about how she didn’t feel appreciated. And the more she did that, the more I wanted to withdraw; shut the door; escape!

“So what happened then, Russ?” I can hear you asking.

Patience, boys and girls, patience! We’ll get to what happened in just a moment.

First let me tell you about RAH-RAH. It’s tailor-made for situations like this. I might even go as far to say that it may even be the saving grace of any relationship you have.

RAH-RAH is an acronym for:

Realize
Accept
Help

Respect
Allow
Hug

Let’s take a quick look at these one at a time.

REALIZE that you are different than everyone else – even the people you feel the closest. We tend to be attracted to people with whom we have a lot in common. That’s why differences don’t always show immediately because we tend to focus on the things we like about others, especially in new relationships. The funny thing is, the more you have in common, the more annoying and irritating those one or two differences will seem. Yes, REALIZE this!
ACCEPT that other people are different. And don’t look at it as ‘better’ or ‘worse’… they’re just different. You can’t change other people. But you can change the way you look at and think about them. You know the adage, “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.” In this case, replace the word ‘things’ with ‘people’. It’s amazing; try it!
HELP them to understand you by having an open, honest and meaningful discussion. Ask them to HELP you understand them, too. You don’t always have to agree. In fact, if you agree on everything, one of you is useless to the relationship. It isn’t the agreement, it’s the understanding that HELPS you to accept the differences.
RESPECT others for who they are. Know that most people do not consciously intend to hurt you. However, just by being who they are, sometimes they will rub you the wrong way. We’re all vibrating at different frequencies which vary during the day. Often it creates harmony; other times there’s dissonance.
ALLOW people to be themselves. Again, most people do not wake up each day with the conscious intention of making your world miserable. In their own minds, they are doing what they think is best for themselves. If you find people are constantly stepping on your toes, maybe it’s you who needs to take some dancing lessons; or maybe you simply have to get out of the way! Focus on being the best that you can be and allow others the same right to do what’s best for themselves in their own way.
HUG! This one simple act alone ties all the others together. Without even a single word it tells the other person, “I REALIZE we are different. I ACCEPT that unconditionally. What really HELPS is that I understand you. I RESPECT you and ALLOW you to be exactly who you are.”

Now that’s one pretty powerful word… HUG!

As for Maggie and I, we realized that we were both exhausted. In addition to her day job, Maggie has been putting in a lot of hours of hard, focused study towards her certification as a Career Counsellor. I’m in a career transition myself, studying and applying all I can about Internet Marketing.

During our nightly pillow talk, we started with a HUG. And when the lights went out… well, let me tell you, it was definitely something to cheer about.