A Fabricated Story
I’m not saying this happened in our family.
Nope, this is a completely concocted, made up scenario.
Robert (not Russ) plays the dominant and sometimes controlling step-dad
Mary (not Maggie) portrays the strong mom, the backbone and glue of the family
Susan (not Suvin) acts the role of a pre-teen caught between the abyss of wanting independence and still needing guidance
Anne (not Ambrosia) is the precocious and carefree five-year-old
Our scene opens with Robert, Mary and little Anne walking to the park on a beautiful but cool Saturday evening. Susan is away at her dad’s house for the weekend.
Mary is a little more than concerned that Robert and Susan are not talking… again.
Mary: “You know Honey, Susan is trying so hard to please you.”
Robert: (distant) “Uh-huh”
BTW, Maggie’s pet name for Russ is ‘Honey’… but remember, these are contrived characters and any similarity to real people and/or circumstances is purely coincidental.
Mary: “Really. She tries so hard to meet your standard.”
Robert: (coldly) “Uh-huh”
Mary continues to plead her case for a few more minutes.
Meanwhile, little Anne is singing her heart out, occasionally stoopping to pick up dandelions as the trio makes their way to the park located about a mile down the street from their home. Anne is totally oblivious to the serious conversation between Mary and Robert which, up until now has been pretty much a one-sided monologue.
Finally, Mary looks at Robert and says, “Honey, so far all I’ve heard from you is ‘Uh-huh’. I want to know what you’re thinking.”
Robert’s first impulse is to withdraw. His primary need is to avoid conflict at all costs. However, he knows from experience that Mary insists on an answer and will persist until she gets one that is satisfactory. Besides, Robert loves and respects Mary far too much to just brush her off.
Robert speaks, “Susan asked me to help her keep on schedule. Then when I reminded her that it was time to put her things away, she continued to work as if she didn’t hear me. When I prompted her again, she got all huffy and upset, slamming her books around. On top of that, she went behind my back by moving the computer to her room AFTER I told her to shut it down for the night. That was some display of defiance and disrespect. I don’t need that kind of @#$%!”
Robert occasionally uses words like @#$% to emphasize that he is very upset. He apologizes to all the real people reading this blog who may find this sort of language offensive. Robert is quite sensitive for a fictitious character, don’t you think?
Mary: “Honey, you know Susan is in that difficult age where she is testing her independence. She isn’t defiant and disrespectful as you say. She’s just telling you what she thinks you want to hear so you can be proud of her. She truly wants your help. She wants you to be involved and part of her life. But she can’t meet your standard.”
Russ: um… I mean, Robert: “Well, regardless of the reasons and rationale, that kind of behavior is totally unacceptable. I mean, if someone asks me for help and I provide what she requests, don’t you think that deserves a little more appreciation than what she showed me?”
Mary: “Of course, Honey! I told Susan before she left that she owes you an apology for the way she behaved. I’m sure she’ll tell you, if you just give her a chance to talk to you.”
Robert: “She doesn’t listen to me. Why should I even bother?”
Mary: “She doesn’t listen to me a lot of the time, either Honey. But that doesn’t mean we should abandon her. She needs us more than ever now to help her through this difficult growing period.”
At last, the threesome reached the park where Anne delighted in playing on the jungle-gym and swings. She even made a couple of new friends.
Mary and Robert continued their conversation for much of the 90-minute park visit. In the end, Robert agreed to get back on speaking terms with Susan, although he was still reluctant – if not entirely unwilling – to continue the role as family time-keeper for fear that he would be interfere with Susan’s growing need for independence, autonomy and personal responsibility.
This change of heart pleased Mary. For the time being, she had restored harmony in her family which – like most mothers – is her primary need.
Robert admires Mary’s tact and skill in her ability to elicit open and honest communication. For someone who would rather withdraw, he often finds himself wanting to open his heart to Mary. She truly is the backbone and glue holding this family together.
End of factitious story.
Thank goodness, scenes like this don’t happen in OUR family. Oh, no. But if they did, I know my Maggie could do whatever Mary does… and then some, what with all her career counselling courses and personality dynamics studies. Plus, she really knows how to walk her talk.
As for the girls, they really are little angels with growing wings. Some day, they will be just like their mom, creating harmony and happiness in their own families!
Further reading and exploration:
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk
