As If the Old Meaning Wasn’t Bad Enough!
“Nickel bag: A five-dollar bag of reefer (weed, marijuana)”
Source: UrbanDictionary.com
I never was into the ‘wacky-tobacky’. Don’t have to be, living on this planet. As my blog motto says, “The world can seem like a crazy place sometimes… OK, a LOT of the time.” Any kid past the age of reason will tell you that the world most often can be pretty damned UN-reasonable. By the time you get up to my ripe old age, the effects of smokin’ that wacky-tobacky seem mild in comparison to all the insane @#$% we have to wade through these days.
Take the current meaning of the ‘nickel bag’ for a prime example.
The growing practice here in Toronto is for stores to charge an extra 5 cents for each bag you require to carry your purchase. Thus the term ‘nickel bag’ – get it? Five cents = nickel. (I’m NOT talking down to you. Legal disclaimers being what they are, EVERYTHING has to be spelled out! And I don’t believe for one minute that this city has cornered the market on stupidity. Read on for proof.)
So Maggie and I are sitting in a local take-out restaurant yesterday waiting for our ‘Family Meal’ of rotisserie chicken with four sides and four dinner rolls. (Oh, Maggie wanted me to mention that we didn’t get the restaurant’s special gravy that comes with every meal!)
ANYWAYS…
Right up there on the face of the cash register is a prominently displayed sign saying that if we want a bag, five cents (a nickel) will be added to our purchase price. I elbowed Maggie and gave her a head gesture to come closer so I could whisper in her ear, lest the ‘Nickel Bag’ police catch us bad-mouthing the policy. “Why don’t these Bozos just absorb the cost of the bag; you know, hide it in their price and just give each customer a bag anyway like in the good ol’ days?”
Maggie looked at me, a bit surprised that I would ask her THAT question. After all, she reminded me, I had just written a rant about disclaimers only a few days ago.
See, that’s why I keep Maggie close by my side… not only is she beautiful, she has a GREAT memory, too. In fact, she REMINDS me of things ALL THE TIME.
But I digress… again!
Yeah, this nickel bag thing was yet another example of how you have to spell everything out for folks these days. Don’t want anyone to get their shorts tied in knots, you know. In this particular case, plastic bags are considered a separate purchase and MUST be clearly stated as such.
HERE’S WHY…
If it hasn’t already happened (but my guess is that it already has, thus the new ‘nickel-bag’ rule), some Jack-Hole is going to get a bag with his purchase. There will be an immediate confrontation with the clerk as follows:
J-H: “Did I ASK for a bag?”
Clerk: “Duh, um…, NO?”
J-H: “Is that bag part of my purchase price?”
Clerk: “Duh, um… it’s FREE!”
J-H: “Free? Did you say FREE? There is NO FREE! You HID the cost as part of my purchase price, didn’t you? WELL… DIDN’T YOU?”
Clerk (cowering now): “D-d-d-do you w-w-want to speak to my m-m-m-manager?”
J-H: “NO! And I don’t want or need your damned bag. Give me my nickel back… NOW!”
After getting his nickel, J-H screams as he exits the store, groceries nicely tucked in his truly ‘free’ bag, “You’ll be hearing from my lawyers about this!”
Don’t laugh!
Don’t you DARE laugh!
Maggie and I could only shake our heads in bewilderment as we discussed all the various possible nut-case scenarios where characters like J-H could actually WIN a lawsuit over a nickel bag.
But the insanity at the take-out counter didn’t stop there.
Oh, I paid for the nickel bag without so much as a whimper. Maggie and I walked a mile to the take-out restaurant and with all the small side orders and such – plus the fact we didn’t bring our own bag – well, we figured the five cents was a good investment.
Here’s the craziest part; as he was packing our bag to go, the clerk asked how many sets of plastic knives, forks and spoons I needed. He then rattled off a list of no less than five different condiments (X FOUR) that he was prepared to throw in. Hell, he had already snuck in a bunch of napkins. All I needed to do now was to give him the word. When I asked him how much all THAT was going to cost, he said, “No charge… it’s FREE!”
I think I need a nickel bag now.
No, the FIRST kind.
Oh, compared to this crazy world, I’m gonna Love THAT Feeling! 
Oh, and if you want overhead lighting to illuminate your shopping experience, please insert a dollar bill into the convenient slot provided just inside the entrance. The machine will dispense a card which will be read by sensors as you make your way around the store, and the appropriate lights will be switched on as you pass under them. This is all a part of our ongoing effort to make your shopping experience better and better. Please insert an extra 25 cents if you would like to add air conditioning, or 50 cents for both air and background music. Note: taxes and insurance not included – those charges will be assessed separately at checkout.
Dare I wish you a happy shopping trip?
Charles, just look at the changes in shopping we’ve seen in our own lifetimes. I don’t know how they did it, but the ubiquitous little mom & pop grocery stores seemed to have everything we needed. And in the extremely rare event that one was out of an item, they gladly referred us to the next little mom & pop up the street.
I remember my dad commenting in amazement to my uncle when he was doing one of the many home-improvement projects back in the 60′s, way before the Big Box boys, “Whatever I need, I go to Mike’s Hardware and talk to Mike Jr. at the counter. He goes into the back room and a minute later he comes out with EXACTLY what I was looking for.”
Two things about the good old days: Note the first-name basis. Also note, they had pretty much everything we ‘NEEDED’. You needed a bag of chips, you got it. One flavor and style only, but we didn’t seem to mind back then. You wanted a Coke – that came in one flavor, too!
Bread, milk, smokes… what else did we NEED?
Sadly our children’s children will be seeing more and more of the scenario’s you and I painted here. Some even suggest that our ‘ID/money chip’ will be implanted at birth and we will be automatically scanned/credited/debited wherever we go.
It’s scary to think that you may be right… “You want FRIES with that?” may soon be replaced by your suggestions, “You want lighting, music AND air-con?… HEY, big spender!”
Oh, things were so much simpler when a nickel bag WAS a nickel bag!
Oh this is so true — sadly. The worst is how airlines are charging for everything from food to blankets. Pretty soon we’ll have to pay to sit in a seat and use pay toilets on the plane. They should at least give us a drink for free to numb the pain. Or maybe a nickel bag!
Very funny post! By the way, I’m a fellow Bootcamper and found your site on Leo’s!
Hey Barrie, so nice to see another Bootcamper.
I was just imagining another scenario where everything would have a ‘sticker price’, much like in the auto industry. There will be standard and available options itemized and clearly spelled out. Heck, there may even need to be a ‘cooling off’ period in case you feel you were hustled or made a bad purchase decision on that nickel bag!
I’m glad you saw the humor. It WAS intended to be funny. Sometimes, all we can really do is laugh at the silliness. It’s what keeps us sane.