Here we go… again!
Maggie and I watched a movie several weeks ago called, “Love Happens”. It’s about a guy who writes a book on how to overcome life’s greatest obstacles. He draws most of his material from the observation of his own personal experiences, particular the loss of his beloved wife. In reality, although he becomes recognized as a ‘self-help guru’ due to the extensive marketing of his book by his close friend and publisher, the author himself is still dealing heavily with his own coping issues.
Sound familiar?
- Anthony Robbins
- Dr. Wayne Dyer
- Neale Donald Walsch
- Barbara De Angelis
- (fill in your favorite self-help guru)
Their ‘claim to fame’ came from sharing the same lessons they desperately needed to learn themselves. And if you follow the life of your ‘guru du jour’, you’ll quickly realize that (s)he STILL desperately needs what (s)he is preaching. “We teach best what we most need to learn.”
I am no different. As I’ve said in the past, this blog is not only ABOUT me and my experiences… it’s FOR me! Can you see Maggie shaking her head affirmatively, “Oh YES, indeed; Russy definitely needs to practice what he preaches!”
Thanks Gorgeous! 
Describe Your Perfect Day
“Oh, BROTHER…” I mumbled through clenched teeth, as I read yet another article extolling the virtues of ‘painting a word picture of your perfect day’. Actually, I used a much stronger expletive, but I promised Maggie I would watch my language – after all, I kiss her with this mouth!
I once replied to a popular personal development forum thread, “It’s ‘Fantasy-Fairy’ crap like this that depresses people. The sheer contrast of a ‘perfect day’ vs. ‘reality’ is so great, there’s just no other way a person could possibly feel other than discouraged and debilitated.”
How many of you ever feel (or at one time felt) like that? Come on, raise your hands. You know, I can see you!
Of course, if you’re human, all hands should go up. It’s called Life, and sometimes – actually more often than not – bad things seem to happen despite our best efforts. It’s that ‘more often than not’ where people tend to get stuck.
I’ve done a LOT of thinking on this subject and with Maggie’s help, I came up with an analogy that works well for me. Yes, go ahead and paint your word picture of your perfect day. Think of it as a destination on your journey through life.
Now I don’t know about you, but for me the BEST part of any trip is the journey, NOT the destination. No matter how glamorous or exciting that landing-place is initially presented, once you get there you eventually have an urge to ‘move on’… to see and experience ‘more’.
As we were discussing the statement, ‘I’ll be happy when…’ Maggie offered, “You need something to bridge where you are now to where you want to be. That way, you don’t have to wait to be happy.”
I thought about all the trips we’ve already taken together and realized that I seemed to be happiest when I was on the road, getting there.
- Following our carefully planned out itinerary and seeing it unfold;
- Feeling the discouragement of delays and detours turn into delight as we were dazzled by brilliant panoramic displays we would otherwise have missed;
- Enjoying the freedom of travel, not being tied down to any one place; being completely open to the surprises and serendipities of every new adventure waiting just around the next bend;
- And doing it all TOGETHER with the one I love most!
Remember, there is NO journey without a Point A and a Point B. So, go ahead and paint that perfect picture of where you’d like to be. The greater the contrast, the BETTER the journey. Go ahead – Russy gives his blessing on the ‘Perfect Day’ scenario now. It’s OK!
I Don’t Want To
You heard me right, I - Don’t – Want – To!
Have you ever been there? I know I have, plenty of times. In fact, I’m there right now in one of my current ‘side-trip’ expeditions. Some people will say, “I CAN’T” which of course, is hogwash. There are very few things in this life that you really CAN’T do. For example, I CAN’T bear children.
Really.
Come on, I’m a guy… it’s physically impossible for me to directly give birth to a child!
Oh, you were thinking the OTHER definition of ‘bear’, as in I can’t STAND children.
Well, that one I grudgingly admit that I could… if I wanted to…
but I DON’T WANT TO!
And that’s exactly how we dig our own holes ‘more often than not’. We quite literally ‘dig in’, stubbornly holding on to some past hurt or future worry, keeping ourselves from enjoying the exciting encounter with NOW! I recall reading of how poachers trap monkeys by putting fruit in a bottle-neck jar. The monkey can easily insert its hand to grab the fruit, but as it tries to withdraw its hand from the bottle while clutching the prize, the animal realizes it’s stuck.
Fruit or Freedom? Tough choice… or is it?
‘I don’t want to’ is like having your car break down in the middle of nowhere; having your plane grounded because of some volcanic activity in Iceland; having your boat tied up… OK, you get the picture, right? The point is, you ain’t going anywhere until you either get and pay for the necessary repairs and/or enough time passes where it’s clear to move on.
Remember, most of the time you CAN. The real question is, “Do you WANT to?” Take your time; it’s OK if you don’t want to right now. There may be something about not wanting to now that is currently filling your needs. Simmer awhile and enjoy. Sometimes just knowing WHY you feel the way you do helps to take the edge off the situation. When the student is ready…
Semantics Isn’t Just Word Play
Mother Teresa was heard to say, “I will never attend a rally on the War Against Terrorism. However, if you ever have a Peace Rally, be sure to invite me.” (paraphrased)
Well, aren’t those two rallies aimed at the same purpose? Aren’t we really saying the same thing, just in a different way?
Not really.
A study was done with two groups of toddlers. The objective for both groups was for each child to successfully transport a glass of milk across a room strewn with some common obstacles such as furniture and toys.
In group one, the participants were anxiously admonished, “Don’t SPILL the milk!”
The other group was enthusiastically encouraged, “CARRY the milk carefully!”
Because the brain obeys the action verb, guess which group was more successful in transporting the full glass of milk across the room intact; the ‘Spill’ group or the ‘Carry’ group?
Knowing this, Maggie and I recently changed our language about my current health situation from ‘FIGHTING a BATTLE with cancer’ to ‘ENJOYING a complete CURE’.
It’s reverse engineering, really. Thoughts precede everything, even the words we speak. However, by carefully and consciously choosing our words, we can effectively change our habitual thoughts. Instead of “I’ll be happy when…”, you CAN enjoy the journey now. Think of it as another tool in your kit!
You’re very welcome!
It’s All In the Game
“Many a tear has to fall
But it’s all in the game”
Carl Sigman and Charles Gates Dawes
You know the baseball example where a ‘good’ hitter is one who hits an average of .300? This means that 3 times out of 10 this ‘good’ hitter is successful; it also means that he ‘fails’ 7 times out of 10!
Life is constantly throwing you inside fastballs, curves, sliders, and change-ups, seemingly to get you ‘out’. It’s a rare occurrence for even the best batters to have a ‘perfect’ day hitting every ball they see out of the park! Yet, the best batters keep getting up there, day after day, taking their cuts, knowing that the hits will come.
Accept the fact that ‘more often than not’ you’ll be ‘out’. There are far more things in life which you can’t control vs. the ones you can. People, circumstances… so many variables; too many, in fact! The reality is, there is only one thing over which you have total control and that is your thoughts and therefore your actions/reactions.
Now I’m not suggesting that you go through life smiling like a blathering idiot. Dissatisfaction and discontent are powerful movers and shakers. Science tells us that there is no movement without friction. And because we are all part of a rapidly expanding Universe, friction – LOTS of friction – necessarily is going to play a HUGE role in our lives.
Let’s Go for a Joy Ride!
What’s a good road trip without plenty of games and diversions? Here are some tips for turning your life journey into a fun game that you can enjoy now and in every moment:
- Know that the self-help gurus teaching success principles are the ones who need it the most. Just realizing that alone makes me feel better already. Now find out what is holding you back, then go out and teach other people how to overcome it.
- Go ahead and draw your word pictures of your most perfect day. A GREAT place to start is your, “I’ll be happy when…” statement. OK, Big Boy (or Girl), here’s your chance. Draw that picture. What will it take for you to be truly happy? Remember, you need at least two points to make a trip; where you are now and where you want to be. Converse to my former thinking, the greater the contrast, the more exciting the journey.
- ‘I Don’t Want To’ is perfectly OK. Often, it’s only when people are forced by circumstances to slow down or stop that they realize what they’ve been missing all along.
- Track your words for a week. The results may be surprising; even shocking… certainly revealing. As necessary, start reverse-engineering your habitual thoughts by carefully and consciously choosing your words. It’s absolutely true that you change your life simply by changing your thoughts.
- Understand and accept the principle of ‘more often than not’, AKA the Law of Averages. You WILL strike out far more than you hit home runs. The best hitters know that they only need 3 out of 10 to be considered GREAT!
How about I leave you with this suggestion:
“I’ll be happy when I see life as a fun and never-ending road trip!”
Oh, you’ve got to Love That Feeling!
