The Next Time You Come, Could You Bring Me…
It was Thanksgiving this past weekend here in Toronto, a time to count and focus on all the blessings we have in our lives. It’s surprising that even with special holidays like Thanksgiving, we still tend to get so caught up in the minutiae of preparation and presentation in an attempt to give a good impression to our guests (and/or the people we are visiting) that we miss the whole point.
As my ‘About This Site’ blurb says, “The world can be a crazy place sometimes…” One of the craziest concepts we have been conditioned to accept over the years is that ‘Success is not a destination, it’s a journey’. When we get there, we want more.
This attitude was clearly demonstrated yesterday by my six-year-old step-daughter. My brother had trekked 10 hours, driving all the way from New Hampshire, to spend the holiday weekend with us as he has for the past three years. It’s a most-welcome tradition that is, in fact, an annual highlight for our family.
Both Maggie and my relatives are all long-distance (with the exception of Maggie’s parents who also live here in Toronto). So when we get visits from our out-of-town families, it’s more than enough that they simply show up. However, no matter how far they travel, they always think to bring something unique from their home town. Chris came bearing gifts.
After playing with her beautiful Barbie doll loaded with accessories for a bit, Ambrosia began giving Uncle Chris a list of things he might want to bring her the next time. Worse than finger nails on a chalkboard, it was one of those situations that make parent’s (and step-dad’s) skin crawl. Reactive Russy immediately flew into the ‘be-grateful-for-what-you’ve-got’ lecture.
I didn’t rant or make too much of a big deal. Maggie and I have had this discussion with Ambrosia on more than one other occasion. I think she already knew as soon as the words slipped out of her mouth that she had made a boo-boo. She got the point quickly and we were able to move on to happier things.
My Kid Was Holding the Mirror to My Face… Again!
They say behavior is reflective; that we most often see things we don’t like in others that we especially don’t like about ourselves. I’ve been around personal development too long to know that when I feel my reactive button being pressed, it’s really an alarm for me to go inside a take a close look… at myself!
Matthew 7:5 says, “You hypocrite, remove the wooden beam from your eye first, then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother’s eye.”
- How many times have I subscribed to the ‘journey-not-the-destination’ philosophy?
- How many times have I been disappointed when I finally got ‘it’ or got ‘there‘?
- Or my personal favorite, how many times has it not been ‘good enough’?
- Not enough _________
- Too slow
- Not the way I wanted
Oh, yes Russy. Your two step-daughters and gorgeous wife have indeed been gently directing your attention to those humongous beams so firmly embedded in your eyes.
Right about now, you’d think I’d be feeling guilty, what with this trip I’m putting on myself. Quite the opposite actually. Remember, the whole point of this blog is to learn how to turn even the most dismal looking scenarios into positive experiences. My three beautiful ladies have taught me more about life and especially about myself than I have learned in the 52 years combined before I met them. A lot of the lessons admittedly have been painful, mostly due to my own stubborn resistance. I’m blessed with three patient angels… how can I NOT be grateful?
The Two Secret Keys to Gratitude
There’s an old, depressing song from back in the 60′s made popular by Peggy Lee, “Is That All There Is?” One of the facts of life is that sometimes there IS a destination. Sometimes you will finally get ‘it’ or get ‘there’, the thing or place that once set your heart and imagination on fire with desire. And sometimes it will be, “That’s all, folks!”
Yet, we have this cultural conditioning – some even say it’s hard-wired into our very human existence – to want more and better. It’s how progress is made. The first secret key to gratitude is to BE AWARE that we are all naturally inclined to want more and better. Don’t beat yourself up about feeling greedy. At the same time know that sometimes… SOMETIMES that’s all there is – even if only temporarily – for that part of your journey. There IS a destination.
Ambrosia taught me another great lesson this morning. This is how I got secret #2. After watching Uncle Chris drive off in his truck, she looked up at me and asked, “Russy, do you miss Uncle Chris?” All three of my ladies have separation anxiety BIG TIME.
I don’t.
However, I’m getting more sensitive to others now thanks to the many opportunities I’ve been given to see my ‘cold-hearted’ self. 
I looked at Ambrosia and said, “I’m basking in the glow of Uncle Chris’ visit.”
The kid is only six years old, so of course I had to explain what ‘basking in the glow’ meant. I offered, “Would you rather be happy thinking about all the good memories of the weekend, or would you rather be sad thinking about how much you miss Uncle Chris?”
In typical Ambrosia fashion, she looked up at me with those big, innocent (splinter-free eyes) and said, “I’d rather be happy… but I still miss Uncle Chris anyway.”
Can you guess the second secret to gratitude? It’s called BALANCE!
Ambrosia showed me that you really CAN have it all! You CAN be happy with what you’ve got… and you CAN still want more! As a true Hannah Montana fan, Ambrosia subscribes to the ‘Best of Both Worlds’ philosophy.
Be AWARE that we live in a world of duality. Our lives are a steady stream of choices, one always seeming ‘better’ than the other. We are conditioned to always go for the best. At the same time, know that it’s ALL good. You can’t possibly lose the game of life. No matter what you choose, it all eventually works out for the best. BALANCE is the key.
That’s how you can be grateful when you really want more. Don’t you just Love That Feeling?
Nice post Russ, “out of the mouhts of babes” comes to mind. I am curious as to why you decided to highlight the fact that you are a ‘step-dad’? you mentioned it a few times throughout the post.
Thanks for your kind words Steven. I popped over to your blog, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life for a quick peek. Looks like we’re pretty much on the same page with a lot of things. I will definitely return for a more in depth look.
Why do I constantly make such a point of being a step-dad throughout my posts? Good question.
1. I’m relatively new at it, coming up on four years this Christmas.
2. I never had children of my own in my previous marriage of 23 years. Yet, having worked with children as a private music teacher since 1972, I thought I had ALL the answers for every parent who walked through my door.
3. Out of all the life experiences I’ve had in my 55+ years, step-parenting is BY FAR one of the most challenging and personally revealing exercises I’ve ever gone through. And it ain’t over yet. As difficult as regular parenting is (boy, have a gained an appreciation for parents now), step-parenting has additional elements that, for me anyway, raise that parenting bar just a bit higher.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not suggesting that my girls are ‘bad’ in any way. They really are little angels. I am awed and humbled at how they have accepted me with all my fumbling frailties.
My opinion is that so many personal development people write and speak from the angle of having the answers. I want my readers to know that while I have indeed overcome many of my personal challenges, I’m still living and learning this stuff today on the fly. Step-parenting is currently my biggest and best teacher. Many of my posts are a result of my step-parenting lessons.
Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment, Steven. All the best from Toronto to you and yours in the UK.