Yes, THESE Are the Ones You Need to Be Nice To
Irksome people… we all have to deal with them. Maggie comes home from work on a regular basis drained from the constant and continuous interruptions from a couple of totally incompetent subordinates. All day long she is asked for ‘help’ with mind-numbingly simple requests such as, “Which size envelope should I use?” “Which side of the paper should I print the report?” “Should I use staples or paper clips?”
Maggie’s own meteoric rise to the upper levels of her company are due to the fact that she is a natural problem solver with lots of initiative. Her superiors know that once she is shown how to do a task, they won’t see her again until the work is correctly done and on time.
As what happens often in life, we are aligned with polar-opposites. At work, Maggie is responsible for overseeing a handful of subordinates, a couple of whom will not think for themselves. Ideally she would love to have a team of people like herself. After all, isn’t the whole point of hiring people to delegate tasks and, with minimal guidance, trust they will get the job done? It sure makes for a long day when seemingly bright adults simply won’t think for themselves.
It’s the Contrast That Drives You Bonkers
My strength is time, structure, focus and self-discipline. It comes as natural to me as breathing. My match – two flighty, totally in-the-moment kids with an attention span of a nano-second.
The 13-year-old is especially exasperating. She NEVER has enough time to finish anything… well, according to her. However, last night she had about an hour to daydream over a recipe book, trying to decide what she was going to make for the 8th-grade Halloween Bake Sale on Friday.
Her mom and I try to help her keep focused by asking her, “Are your priorities done?”
Dumb question.
It’s 7:30 and there’s still a rack full of dishes for her to dry and put away (her only nightly family chore). She still hadn’t practiced her piano or taken a shower. Whenever Maggie asks about her homework, the kid gives her mom the usual vague and evasive reply.
Finally at 8:30, I go into the kitchen to get the teen moving again. She is in the middle of a ‘snack break’!
This is an every night occurrence. Just the night before, Maggie and I mentioned that the girl’s washroom – which also doubles as the guest washroom – was looking pretty shabby with toothpaste spatters on the mirror and hair all over the sink, bathtub and floor.
The 13-year-old translated it as, “Clean the entire house.” Out comes the vacuum. All we expected her to do was a quick spot-check and pick up. I told her, “Leave the vacuum for Saturday. It’s 7:00 and your sister is getting ready to go to bed now.”
As I was brushing teeth with the little one, I heard the vacuum cleaner humming from the girl’s bedroom. In total disbelief, I saw that the teen had pulled all the furniture out of her room and was now yanking clothes out of the closet so she could ‘clean’.
I pulled the plug on the vacuum and repeated, “House cleaning is to be done on Saturday. It’s 7:00. Your sister is getting ready to go to sleep now. Please put the vacuum AWAY!”
I kid you not, as Maggie is my witness… not 30 seconds later the vacuum started humming again from the living room. The teen decided she needed to clean out her backpack.
Again, I pulled the plug on the vacuum and repeated the instructions, “House cleaning is to be done on Saturday. It’s 7:00. Your sister is getting ready to go to sleep now. Please put the vacuum AWAY… NOW!”
It would be another 10 minutes before the vacuum made it back to it’s proper place in the closet. Total time wasted with this exercise: about 45 minutes.
But she ‘didn’t have time’ to practice piano that night. And as usual, she couldn’t make her 10:00 curfew.
While the Cat’s Away…
There’s a fine line between setting up workable routines with enforcement and consequences firmly in place. It’s quite another thing to have to constantly micro-manage. The older one is always asking Maggie and I to stay in the room with her while she works. We tell her, “We’re finishing up our own things by 9:00… you aim for the same thing, too and we’ll all enjoy some family time together.”
It NEVER happens. The kid just can’t focus without someone there to hold her hand.
I work out of the home on Friday night and Saturday. Maggie is either studying or attending a class which means the two girls are on their own.
Now you would think that after two months of school, they would have their afternoon routine internalized. Yet, when I come home on Friday night and Saturday afternoon, I learn that both girls spent all their time in front of the TV and computer. Well, at least they’re honest.
“But there’s ‘NO TIME’“, the kid keeps telling me.
After spending Saturday night and all day Sunday with her dad, the 13-year-old comes home leaving her usual trail of ‘goodies’ – clothes, books, bags – scattered throughout the house. Maggie had just finished washing, drying and folding three loads of laundry. The kid decided it was a good time to clean out her draws and closet… again, leaving the laundry basket even more full than before the day started.
Next, the kid proceeded to hang Halloween decorations. Maggie had to remind her to first pick up all her stuff, and put her clean laundry away. With a blank stare, the kid said, “Oh, yeah.”
Thirty minutes later, Maggie asked the 13-year-old if she had finished all her homework. Sheepishly, she replied, “No, but I finished most of my math.”
“Exactly what do you have left to do?” Maggie inquired.
More vague and evasive mumbling.
“And what about your piano. You already missed Friday and Saturday. Don’t you think you should practice tonight? You have the time.”
The kid replied, “Oh, it’s my night OFF from piano!
After another 20 minute discussion about priorities and getting things done, the kid hugged and thanked her mom… and returned to hanging Halloween decorations!
This behavior absolutely boggles my mind. Whatever I say or do, I’m the one who looks like an ogre. I’m told to, “Pick your battles… Be patient… she’s just a kid!”
I know ALL the cliches. Like Maggie’s subordinates, I fear this kid will grow up not getting it!
OMG, it’s hard… still, THESE are the ones we need to be nice to.
There Is No Longer Any Support
Last year Maggie and I arranged a meeting with the school principal to talk about the 13-year-old’s difficulty in setting priorities and getting things done on time. Used to be back in my day, a meeting with the principal was some pretty serious business. I was thinking, “Yeah, the principal! She’ll know how to straighten this kid out. Nothing like a little ‘fear of God’, I say!”
After listening to our story and asking the child a few questions, the principal put her hands on Maggie’s and my shoulders and said, “Don’t worry… It’s OK!”
I was stunned. A principal with no backbone!
I attended the Parent/Teacher night a month ago and once again addressed my concern to the teacher that my kid had a MAJOR challenge staying focused and getting things done in a timely manner – that it was taking away from our quality of family life that she NEVER HAD TIME for us, let alone the things she was supposed to do.
Again, the teacher looked me in the eye and said, “The child is at the top of her class. Don’t worry… it’s OK!”
This is the same lady who now works with one-on-one after school with my step-daughter to ‘help’ her with time-management strategies.
To make matters even worse, there is a new law here in Ontario stating that a teacher cannot penalize a student for handing in late work.
My whole message to my step-daughters is now undermined. There is no more support. Here I am, telling them that some of the most important traits they can acquire is to be responsible and to be ON TIME! Now the rest of the world is telling them, “Don’t worry… it’s OK!”
Fine – my kid no longer has to spend all night stressing out over homework. She doesn’t have to miss the bus in the morning as she frantically tries to finish work that didn’t get done the night before.
For that matter, why is the school day so structured, with bells and routines and regiments? Why doesn’t everyone just do whatever the heck they want, when they want and how they want? Don’t worry… it’s OK!
Call me old-fashioned, but the world I live in requires ME to do MY part. People count on me to do what I told them I was going to do, when I told them I was going to do it. If my girls only learn one thing from me, I hope it’s that THEY are extremely important players in this big universe. In fact, we are ALL key players, each one intricately depending on the other to be where we need to be, when we need to be there.
OK Russy – What About the Nice Part?
I took a very long time getting here because I wanted to emphasize the point that we ALL have to deal with irksome people. The reason why they are irksome to us is because they are usually the polar-opposite of the skills and values we ourselves take for granted.
There seems to be NO END to the ways irksome people can get under our skin… if we let them. However, if this is all Maggie and I have to complain about from our work and home, we are most fortunate indeed. We know there are people who have it so much worse.
The unfortunate fact is though, that when we DO allow these people to annoy us, we build negative thought habits and attitudes that over time make it extremely hard to see ANYTHING good about the person.
Here’s the quick solution – seek out the people who annoy you the most and do something nice for them. Do it with as much love in your heart and with the best intentions. Notice how it makes YOU feel!
They may continue to annoy you. Do more nice things for the good feeling YOU will get. These folks are doing you a great big favor by exercising your ‘love’ muscle. Oh, it’s easy to love the people who are totally in sync with you. It’s those irksome folks who are causing you the most growth, if you’ll but turn the other cheek.
Take your eyes off the irksome part… do something nice instead.
I’m off to bake a cake and a couple batches of Rice Krispie Squares for the Halloween Bake Sale tomorrow. I’m already stoked just thinking about it. You gotta Love That Feeling!
