Is Anybody Safe Here?
Divorce; it’s hard on everyone. You might think that the biggest effect would be on the divorcing couple. After all, they are the ones who have issues big enough to separate and divorce in the first place.
But you would be wrong!
Maybe you’re thinking that the kids’ lives would have the most devastating impact. Many kids simply don’t have the communication skills to express their inner-most feelings. Often, they are torn between Mommy and Daddy; to whom should they give their love and loyalty? Is it true what Daddy says about Mommy? Yes, surely divorce must be hardest on the kids, right?
Wrong again!
Well, what about the new partner in a relationship? While supporting, and sometimes defending their spouse, they may find themselves unwillingly dragged into reactions and repercussions with the ex. Kids don’t always accept the new partner either. And even when they do, the kids may still have other emotional challenges for which the new partner is unprepared to handle.
Care to make the new partner your vote for the person most adversely impacted in a divorce? You KNOW I’m going to say ‘Wrong again’!
There are other relatives and old friends involved. Think about the grandparents who are suddenly cut off from visiting their grandchildren due to custody consequences. Same goes for loving aunts, uncles and cousins as well as old neighborhood friends. A huge part of their lives has been ripped out.
Then there are the many other supporting players from bosses, to co-workers, to the childrens’ teachers. Thankfully, most are sympathetic and understanding. However, in a few devastating cases, the newly divorced may find themselves quickly out of a job because their overriding emotional state causes them to malfunction at work. Kids who develop abhorrent behavior related to the divorce are quickly labeled as ‘trouble-makers’ by teachers and school authorities.
So, WHO has the hardest time in a divorce?
Let’s go back and read that opening sentence again, this time with a little more emphasis.
Divorce; it’s hard on EVERYONE!
Couples Retreat
My own divorce was hard to go through. I was committed to my vows, particularly the ‘in sickness and in health’ clause. However, my situation became life-threatening when my Schizophrenic wife decided to go off her meds during the last five years of our marriage. I pleaded with everyone from the medical professionals to the law authorities. They all said the same thing, “No one can force her to comply with her meds. Get out of this relationship now before she kills you.”
At first, I didn’t believe them. They didn’t know my wife of 23 years – she wouldn’t hurt a fly. However, without the proper medication and counseling which she needed but refused, the Schizophrenic voices took over and turned her into a totally different person; one who would attack me if necessary to get what she wanted. And that’s exactly what happened.
Letting go of my caretaker role was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. As painful as that was, it pales in comparison to the two abusive relationships Maggie endured and eventually overcame. Her first husband was dominant and controlling. He actually felt threatened that Maggie was improving herself. He was the MAN and he made sure she always knew it.
Maggie’s second relationship was an on-again, off-again common law arrangement. This partner was extremely jealous and suspicious. He demanded that Maggie account for her every move. The fact is that HE was the one who was out and about, exhibiting most suspicious behavior to which he refused to be held accountable.
So while my divorce left me to deal with guilt for leaving a sick spouse, Maggie now had to manage two jerks (I’m trying to be nice here) as they each fathered a daughter.
Hey, What About Those Kids?
I had no children from my first marriage. Even before we married, Sandy was adamant about not having kids. It turned out to be a wise, almost prophetic, decision as three years into our wedded bliss, all hell broke loose with her diagnosis of Schizophrenia. I’m glad there were no children around to witness that mental torture or worse, to have it passed on to themselves genetically.
Having said that, Suvin, my 13-year-old step-daughter has experienced things no kid should have to go through. As she gets older, her ability to express her feelings is ever-so-slowly improving. Suvin was four years old when her parents divorced. Tantrums were a common occurrence. Counseling coaxed her to convey her emotions through coloring. One of Suvin’s favorite themes for many years was drawing pictures of ‘One Big Happy Family’. This is common for kids to want their parents back together again.
Suvin’s dad continues his ‘better-than-you’ behavior, even to this day. His message to his daughter has always been, “Daddy loves you more than Mommy.” Initially, this caused a lot of confusion for the kid as she sifted through what her dad said vs. what she actually experienced. Maggie never got defensive or aggressive; she simply asked Suvin to see for herself if her dad’s words were true. I marvel at Maggie’s skills in guiding her girls through their troubled waters.
Six-year-old Ambrosia’s dad is just the opposite of Suvin’s dad. He is in a new relationship now. Good for him. However, he definitely wants NOTHING to do with Maggie which often translates into cancelling his access visits with his daughter Ambrosia. The little kid never knows for sure when she will see her dad next. At one point, there was a four-month gap in visits. After being told not to contact him, Maggie finally wrote Ambrosia’s dad an email at Ambrosia’s insistence. Otherwise, we believe that four-month absence could possibly have stretched to forever.
One dad is constantly trying to prove himself more worthy of his daughter; the other dad would prefer to disappear from his daughter’s life, never to be seen or heard from again.
Help Me – It’s None of Your Business
One of the most challenging things for the new incoming partner is to support his new spouse while not becoming too involved with the ex’s. The constant mind-games along with the legal hassles of custody arrangements can be very upsetting. Maggie and I have had to draw firm boundaries for Suvin’s dad. Otherwise, he tends to invade and control every aspect of our lives. Thankfully, Suvin is able to go to her own access without Maggie or I having to be present. That alone has avoided a ton of confrontations and conflicts with her dad.
When I first came on the scene, Suvin’s dad told Maggie’s relatives and friends several debilitating stories and rumors about me. Of course, they were all untrue. This is a common tactic used by the unsecure, natural dads when their ex remarries. They build themselves up by tearing the new partner down. It took nearly four years for me to get accepted into Maggie’s family.
Suvin’s dad has yet to apologize. Instead, on the rare occasions where we must see each other, he feigns ‘friendship’ with his fake handshake and hypocritical claims that, “We’re all friends here, right?” However, according to Suvin, he still back-stabs me every chance he gets. Needless to say, we won’t be wining and dining together anytime soon.
Since we’ve been together, Maggie has had the most legal hassles with the little one’s dad. With him, it has always been about playing mind games and stirring up shit. One year he took Maggie to court to get full custody of Ambrosia.
AS IF! The guy has no stability, choosing only menial, minimum-wage jobs when he decides to work. Basically, he’s an irresponsible, non-committing parasite, preferring to live off his partner until she wises up and gives him the boot, as Maggie had to do.
The last time he brought Maggie to court, the judge gave HIM an earful about wasting everybody’s time with his nonsense. Since then, he has kept his distance. Neither Maggie or I have seen him since that court appearance. When he chooses to accept access with his daughter, he sends his brother-in-law to pick up and return Ambrosia. Unfortunately for the little kid, those access visits are becoming fewer and further between.
For myself, it’s hard dealing with polar opposite ends of the jerk spectrum. One guy is always there in ways neither Maggie or I want. The other guy is never there when he needs to be for his kid. It’s a tough combination to juggle.
Cutting the Family Ties
While Maggie and I haven’t experienced this phenomenon personally in our own immediate family, I know cases where one parent gets custody and decides to cut off all ties with the former partner’s relatives. My mom was crushed when my sister’s divorce put her son (my mom’s grandson) in the father’s custody. It wasn’t until the child became of age some eighteen years later where he sought out his roots.
Loving aunts, uncles and cousins, not to mention old familiar neighborhood friends lost years of contact with this person. And while reunion stories are always nice, it’s sad to think of how much different (translate ‘nicer’) things could have been had the relationship remained constant and stable.
You Get No Sympathy from Me
Maggie experienced this harsh reality. At the worst time of her life as a single mom with one young daughter and another on the way and having to deal with two jerks, Maggie found herself overwhelmed and exhausted. You and I may well understand and sympathize why she was often late for her job; why she was unable to focus on her work. Even though she was attending counseling at the time, it was not enough to help her out of her immediate dilemma. Maggie was expeditiously laid off!
Oh, her boss probably was sympathetic… to a point. However, she had an office to run and Maggie simply wasn’t producing. The truth was, Maggie was becoming more of a drag on the operation, one the boss could not afford. Buh-bye!
Ambrosia got the same treatment from her teacher this year in school and was quickly tagged as a troublemaker. It took a visit between Maggie, myself, the teacher and the school principal to get the teacher to back off a bit. During that meeting, we covered the possible causes for Ambrosia’s antsy attention-seeking behavior. The teacher and principal were amazed at how much was on Ambrosia’s plate:
- She hadn’t seen her dad in some time
- She was aware of my illness and that I almost died
- Her sister is moving away this summer
Each one is a MAJOR life-changing event on its own. Ambrosia was trying to deal with all of them at once. Yeah, the teacher backed off a bit.
Back to Where We Started
Divorce; it’s hard on everyone… that is, if they choose to make it hard.
That’s right, in all the above scenarios, there are choices and consequences – just like everything else in life.
You can choose to be a victim.
OR, you can choose to make the best out of any circumstances. It’s solely up to each individual to choose.
Thankfully, Maggie and I both have exceptional communication skills. There’s no way we could have made it this far together without talking it out. We talk together A LOT!
The girls are becoming stronger, too through their individual journeys. I believe much of it comes through the security they feel from their mom’s relationship with me. Since we first met, Maggie’s dream – and now OUR purpose for being together – is to be a role model marriage for the girls.
For sure, there will always be challenges. We are thankful. It’s like having weights and resistance equipment at the gym. With proper use of those machines and apparatus, growth and vitality are not only possible; they are inevitable.
Ah, you gotta Love That Feeling!
Russ and Maggie, you have really shared a subject close to my heart here. Making the decision to divorce and go through the tough times that it can create, I took the chance. My children made it through all the messy custody battles. Maintaining relationships with their Grandparents proved difficult at times, but it was well worth the effort. Happily, I had, understanding ex in-laws that loved my children.
Devastated by the feelings my children were burdened with because their father spent very little time with them, I went in for counseling. I shared that my children expressed regularly that they thought their dad didn’t love them or want them. I let the counselor know that I constantly tried reassure them that their dad does love them (I tried to make them believe it). It seemed my children resented me, and I couldn’t understand why. I shall treasure forever what he told me. “The only thing I can see that you need to change is trying to convince the children that their dad loves them.” He went on to explain to me, “Children need to feel, and trying to stop them from feeling hurts them.”
Sandra
Thank you so much for sharing what, for some people, can be their deepest and darkest secrets. My articles says divorce is hard on EVERYONE. Period!
As the new partner in an already established family, I came in wanting to protect my wife and step-daughters from ‘Them’… the enemy… the ex’s.
Maggie has been awesome in educating me and guiding the girls. She went through counseling too and heard many of the same things you were told. She reminds me that we will never know what is really ‘best’ for another person… we simply don’t know their life path and what they are learning individually. We can only prepare them as best as we can with our own limited knowledge and experience. At some point, we have to let go and allow each other to explore and enjoy their own journey and to grow from it.
All I can say is that without these challenges, we would not have bonded so quickly or so deeply. In fact, our greatest trials have become our greatest blessings. You’ve gotta Love That Feeling!