Compatibility - Do You Have It? | Love That Feeling Blog

Compatibility - Do You Have It?

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Note: Russy = Sagittarius; Maggie = Aries
KT the Astrologers gives us a 5 out of 5 for compatibility - Woo Hoo!

How Do You Know You Have Compatibility?

The first time I saw Maggie, I KNEW I had found my perfect compatibility partner. There was something stirring inside of me saying, “There she is… she’s the one!”

Yes, Maggie fulfilled all the physical elements I had written down in my meticulous description sheets. She definitely caught my eye.

Still, it was that INNER something that captured my heart. Her eyes, her smile, and her voice were all wide open doors to her soul. She was literally broadcasting compatibility. I marvel at it to this day.

So how do you know you have compatibility?

In our relationship, Maggie and I closely monitor three different areas - Complement, Contrast and Conflict as in:

How we COMPLEMENT each other
How we balance our CONTRASTS
How we resolve our CONFLICTS

Compatibility Requires Complement

Please note that I’m not talking about the word ‘compliment‘ that you give verbally such as, “Hey Gorgeous, you look really nice in that dress.” Compatibility requires going beyond the superficial and often contrived gratuities.

Obviously, the word compliment, when used that way, certainly goes far in building up a relationship. However, I’m talking about the deeper meaning of complement - more in the sense of completing each other.

For example, I’m a very independent, confident, decisive person. Maggie, on the other hand, is more of a pleaser. She isn’t comfortable being the decision maker lest it make the other person unhappy.

I’m happiest when I’m making decisions. Maggie is happiest when she is relieved of the pressure and responsibilities of making decisions.

One person has what the other person needs, and vice versa. Look at your own life, or the lives of other couples whom you admire. Comparability requires that you complement each other in at least one area. Having two or three complementary areas is fine, but one is absolutely essential.

However, don’t make the mistake of thinking that all differences are complementary. You see, complements MUST fill a need where both people operate at their best when they are together.

In all relationships, most often you have differences that aren’t complementary because they don’t exactly fill a need. On the other hand, you don’t necessarily fight about these inconsistencies either because… well, they’re just different. We call these contrasts.

Comparability Requires a Balance of Contrasts

For compatibility to grow, or even to be maintained, contrasts must be accepted and eventually balanced. This is the ‘give-and-take’ that is so vital in any flourishing relationship.

Again, the distinction between a complement and a contrast must be made crystal clear. Whereas complements are needs to be fulfilled in both parties and are naturally accepted, contrasts aren’t always automatically appreciated.

Without allowance for each other’s differences along with a healthy dose of compromise, contrasts can quickly disintegrate into conflict. In fact, they often do, unless both parties have strategies in place to recognize the signals.

For example, I’m an introvert; I like to keep my emotions to myself. Maggie is an extrovert and has no trouble showing her feelings.
I’m a private person; I like to mind my own business… literally. Maggie likes to be informed about what’s going on.
I work best on a very strict schedule and routine. Maggie is much more spontaneous. “Clock? What clock?”
I’m very strict and demanding with the girls. Maggie tends to be more lenient.
I usually think of myself first. I find it hard to share. Maggie always puts others first. Sharing is what she does best.

Oh, this contrast list is LONG!

As you can see, we are like most couples in the fact that we have many more contrasts than we have complements.

When our honeymoon period was over and our contrasts started waving their little red flags in our faces, we found ourselves scrambling for skills and schemes to avert the inevitable scuttles.

In the end, compromise is the savior for our compatibility. Maggie and I made an agreement to give our contrasts the AAA treatment:

First we have to ACKNOWLEDGE we even have contrasts - honeymooners only see their compatibility, that’s why they say, “Love is blind”.
Next, we have to ACCEPT those contrasts rather than go into denial, or ignore them.
Finally, we have to ALLOW each other our contrasts.

That last one is the trickiest part because there is a tendency for the dominant person to take advantage of the more submissive partner with attitudes such as, “My way or the highway”. Of course, biases such as these only serve to create long-term resentment.

Contrast maintenance is a mandatory day-to-day operation. Because we have so many contrasts, it’s so easy to let any number of them get out of balance, tipping the scale for conflict.

Which brings us to our final area…

Compatibility Demands a Conflict Resolution System

I will do ANYTHING to avoid a confrontation. My default mode is to withdraw; sometimes physically, but most often mentally and emotionally. I go deep within and I’m NOT coming out.

Maggie, as you’ll remember, likes to know what’s going on. She’ll go toe-to-toe with me and pry relentlessly until I open up.

Of course, the more she does that, the more I withdraw. And the more I do that, the hotter she gets. You will also recall that she has no problem expressing her feelings.

Are you getting the picture?

It’s no different than at your house after all, is it?

But here’s where we deviate from countless other couples when we find ourselves on this jagged path to hell.

We communicate.

“THAT’S IT, Russy? That’s ALL you DO?”

Yup, we communicate.

Simplistic?

Maybe.

Painful?

Let’s say it’s a challenge that I have to work on a lot more. With privacy ranking high up there on my list of priorities, opening up is hard for me to do.

Necessary?

Absolutely!

What really helps is that I’ve been a student of personal development for over 30 years. Plus, Maggie is studying to be a career counselor and her people skills are top notch.

We both KNOW this stuff.

Nevertheless, there’s a major gap between mere knowledge and successful implementation. Compatibility demands that we resolve our conflicts quickly. And that resolution literally compels us to communicate or suffer dire consequences.

How Maggie and I communicate as a couple is an entire blog post (or two) unto itself. We’ll most certainly revisit that topic again soon.

For now, I will leave you with this challenge. Take time to explore your own compatibility map. Look at the small areas where you perfectly complement each other. There may be only one or two. Actually, it really only takes one, like a key for a lock; a glove for a hand. Just one will do.

Next, take a look at the vast area of contrasts. More than likely, this will take up most of your map. Remember to acknowledge, accept, and allow your partner the freedom to be him/herself, just as you would appreciate they do the same for you. It’s the Golden Rule after all.

Finally, take a look at the mountainous terrain where conflict resides. Decide that you will not only take on, but tackle this territory and plan your route.

You’ll need tools and the skills to use them here. This area very often will command all the courage and determination you have inside of you. It’s not for the faint-of-heart. It’s certainly no place for quitters.

But they say the view is great from the top. And it’s best viewed when you’re together.

When you reach the peak together and gaze at the glorious view of everything you accomplished…

it’s THAT time, my friends, when you know you have compatibility!