Can You Love Who I Am? |

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“You’re not good enough!”

OK, so we don’t hear or say these words directly in every instance, but the fact is that we DO give and receive these messages every day. Yes, I would even go so far as to suggest that at least 99.9% of us, my humble and sometimes ashamed self included, fall into this cavernous category.

Mind you when we’re on the giving end, many of us offer our hurtful jabs with the best of intentions, thinking that we are somehow encouraging or motivating others to do ‘better’. It’s a rare person who is intentionally trying to be mean.

As a private music teacher for the past 37 years, I get to see a variety of parenting styles on a daily basis. I can’t tell you how many times a mother has told me that her child is “so LAZY”, hoping to put a little ‘fire’ under him. Meanwhile, the boy is squirming in discomfort by her side, just praying for a hole to open up in the floor so he can escape.

One of the most heart-wrenching stories happened when I watched and listened to the interaction of a student and her father at a music festival some years ago. The little girl had just won her second first-place trophy of the day and was excitedly showing her dad. Apparently, the man was in a hurry. He grabbed the two trophies in one hand and the girl with his other hand and quickly proceeded to the exit.

As they passed me I caught the gist of their conversation which went something like this:

Girl: “Are you proud of me daddy?”

Man: “Yeah… maybe next year you can try for THREE first place trophies!”

Body language speaks volumes. It was as if someone just let all the air out of the little girl. Instead of skipping lightly and happily as a little girl who just won two first prizes should, she was unceremoniously being dragged out the door by her impatient father who obviously had better things to do than to celebrate the moment, however briefly with his daughter.

Now this scenario by itself is sad enough, but unfortunately the story doesn’t end there. Several weeks later I got a phone call by a very surprised and upset parent. It seems that his little girl wanted to quit piano lessons.

“I just don’t get it,” the shocked father told me. “She was doing so well, and now THIS!”

My heart was heavy for both the little girl and her dad. It’s true, he really didn’t get it. His approach was all- business. Showing approval and even simply smiling were not his thing. Instead he saw them as signs of weakness with the potential of spoiling his daughter. Now, because he wasn’t generous with compliments and demonstrations of affection, this is how she was ‘paying him back’.

Everybody – EVERYBODY – lost that day, because one person decided ‘it wasn’t good enough‘.

How does it feel?

How does it feel when you’re not good enough? We’ve all been there at one time or another. Some of us are there more often than we would like to be, and regrettably some people seem to be there all the time.

I think we can all agree that feelings of ‘not good enough’ are pretty painful and when taken to extreme, they can even be emotionally crippling at times. It’s my mission through this website to give you back your power to feel good about yourself and others as much of the time as you would like. Here are a few simple things you can do to feel better now:

Move – That’s right, move! Notice I didn’t say move OUT, although for some people that may very well be the best advice they can follow. But for now, let’s just start with ‘Move’. Here’s why. Merely getting into action – any action – jump-starts your energy. If you are lying down, sit up. If you are sitting down, stand up. If you are already standing up, take a few steps or swing your arms by your side. Take a few deep breaths. See, it doesn’t have to be a violently radical movement, just something a little bit more than what you were doing before to prime the energy pump.
Keep Moving – at least for a couple of minutes anyway. Depending on where you started from, it may take a minute or two before you feel any difference. While you’re working on that, here’s a little advice to help speed up the process. Physical action will get your energy moving, that’s an unequivocal fact. However, you must assist yourself with a mental intention to feel better, too. Yes, you have every right to feel down and miserable if you want to. That’s part of the ‘fun’ of life. Think of how much fun a roller coaster would be if it always went up or even stayed level. Actually, some of the BEST times on a roller coaster are when it is plunging DOWN a steep slope. So enjoy the downs! But remember, feeling better about yourself and helping others feel better is always a matter of choice.
Give Thanks – Now that you’re moving, give thanks that you have the power to choose and make a difference in your own life as well as the lives of others. When you stop to really think about it, that’s a pretty amazing power you’ve got there! And you were able to choose a better feeling, even if it’s a tiny change, all by yourself. Gratitude is such a powerful tool and we’ll have much more to say on that topic in future posts. For now, be extremely grateful and give thanks whenever and wherever you can.
Give It Away – Finally, go and give at least one other person something to feel good about. Remember, we reap what we sow. For some of us, that should be a very, VERY scary thought. Recall the story about the little girl who quit piano. Remember how she paid back her dad?

What Do I Give?

You may be asking, “So what do you give people when you have ‘nothing’ to give?” What, you mean I’m the only one who ever thought like that? Well, me and the Little Drummer Boy, that is.