How to Ask Questions to Open Communication With Kids -

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Why Ask Questions?

You’ll recall that a couple of weeks ago I explained (OK, more like I offered a feeble excuse) why my skills with children seemed to be better with my students than with the people who matter the most to me – my own step-daughters. There’s no doubt that the dynamics of teaching a child for 30 minutes vs. living 24/7 with a child is totally different. In fact, there is NO comparing the two. Students vs. family is the proverbial apples vs. oranges. And you know what you CAN’T do with those.

However, the one common denominator between my students and step-daughters is… ME! While I’m the same person, I’m playing two totally different roles, each requiring it’s own set of unique skills. I tried to slough it off by using my tried and true ‘teacher’ skills at home (specifically, I command, they obey). My girls weren’t buying. They didn’t even know what I was trying to sell them!

So here’s what I’m learning and adapting. I’m an avid researcher, preferring to get my information online. Both Maggie and I also read and discuss articles from magazines like “Today’s Parent”, as well as other relevant newspaper articles. Also, the school bulletin the girls bring home is a rich resource for tips on better communication with children.

Today we’re going to talk about how and why to ask questions to open up dialogue with your kids. This one truly works!

What Happens When You Don’t Ask Questions?

Back in the old days (aka when I was a kid), children were seen and not heard. Our parents told us what to do, and more often than not, we did it… OR ELSE.

While there is no ‘OR ELSE’ in my music classes – or even ‘Because I Said So’ – telling my students what to do and then expecting them to do it immediately and without question works really well in a 30 minute format. There simply isn’t much time for endless ‘WHY’ questions or the ‘Put-It-Off-To-Later’ tactics parents get from their kids – including Maggie and I – at home.

Telling our kids what to do and getting an immediate, enthusiastic response 100% of the time does NOT work at home. To even expect it is complete and utter folly. I would venture to say that this one unrealistic expectation alone literally kills many family relationships. And I can easily explain ‘WHY’ by asking you a simple, very specific question. (See, we’re using our new ‘ask questions‘ technique already!)

“How did it feel back then when your parents TOLD you to do something when you weren’t… um, let’s say, quite ready or in the mood? Heck, how does it feel NOW?”

If you’re old-school (like me), you may use the following argument, “I’m the parent. It is my responsibility – MY DUTY – to teach, lead and guide. Children need to be told.”

As Maggie often reminds me though, it’s not the message… it’s the delivery!

Yes, it IS the parent’s right – responsibility – DUTY… oh, use your own thesaurus and insert YOUR favorite term. However, you already realize that being told often doesn’t feel very good, especially when you aren’t given a say in a decision that involves YOU.

AH-HAAAAA…

So It’s A Good Thing to Ask Questions

We’re getting someplace now. Let’s continue to ask questions. Transfer roles for a second and put yourself in your kid’s place. How do you think your child feels about being told what to do, and then be expected to deliver immediately and enthusiastically?

Towards the end of the last school year, we asked Suvin what she thought of her daily after-school routine which included homework, music practice and household chores. We noticed that she was struggling mightily to keep up with homework. I also noticed that the more I tried to enforce the routine that I had so logically set up for her, the more things fell apart, eventually effecting the entire family. When I first designed this routine for her, based on my years of professional teaching experience (not to mention my best parental intentions), I forgot to include her in the decision making. ‘Clash and Crash’ was the inevitable result.

Think about it. Who knows better about setting up routines than the person who actually has to do them? Yet, as well-intentioned parents, we forget to invite our children to participate in the process of deciding. We rationalize that we ‘know better’ based on our experiences. We believe that ‘giving the orders’ saves time.

Maggie and I certainly do ‘know better’ now. Based on our previous experience, we saw things go from bad to worse. We have to do something different… OR ELSE!

This year Maggie and I will include Suvin in the decision process. We will also ask questions as to how she would like us to keep her accountable. We will help her tweak and adjust as time goes on. It will be a learning and growing experience for all of us. Isn’t that what life is supposed to be all about anyway?

How Will You Apply the Ask Questions Technique?

You’ll notice that I haven’t offered any specific questions to ask your child. That’s because there is no magic bullet… no one size fits all. Every family and situation is different. All I can tell you is that you if something isn’t working, or like in our case just keeps getting worse, you have to be open to try new things. Here are some very practical suggestions:

Readjust your mind – yes, you are parents with responsibilities. But now you can choose to think of that role more as a guide, rather than as a boss. (This one alone has helped me tremendously.)
Learn and apply the skill of using specific questions to get your children to open up
Involve your children in all decisions, especially ones about themselves
Keep your children accountable in the way they choose
Help your children tweak and adjust remembering that you are guides

Our own family situation was bad and rapidly heading for worse. Maggie and I KNOW that there will be improvements by following these simple suggestions. After all, they have been tried and proven true by other child experts and successful parents.

“Russy, you mean all it takes to learn and grow together to create a happier family is to ask questions and involve our kids in important decisions, especially ones involving themselves?”

Yup, doesn’t get any easier or better than that folks. You gotta Love That Feeling!